How to Move On (Or Not) After Infidelity

Infidelity, regardless of the situation, is very hard to overcome.

For any relationship to overcome infidelity, both people need to honestly decide if the relationship is worth saving, and the guilty party needs to be committed to doing everything in their power to gain back trust. The two main things to concentrate on here, are making the decision to work it out and communicating with each other in a mature and respectful manner, always.

Some find it important to know why their partner cheated to help them move forward. Others are quick to forgive, or pretend it never happened, or they are endlessly stuck in limbo…being accepting and then furious. Repeatedly!

Time and time again, I notice that one of you will become super clingy. The guilty partner tries to show you lots of love and affection, which can make you feel smothered. Or, the cheated-on partner will never want to let you out of their sight, because let’s face it, you cheated. The trust is gone, bye bye, see ya. Resentment sets in and people become angry, and well, miserable.

At this point, it can get really hard.

Should you choose to forgive and forget, the first and most important thing for both of you to realize, is the relationship you once had is GONE, and from today forward -together- you need to build a new one.

This brings us back around to starting with unanswered questions about why your partner cheated. You must get honest answers to move forward in your relationship.

I can tell you, it is hard. I mean painfully hard, and sad, and depressing, and awful. It is hard for them too, if they truly, deeply, love you. When you love someone so much, you feel like you need them as much as the very air you breathe, but you’re hurt and angry.

How do you move past that, how do you trust again?

You work on it. You take it day by day if you need to. But, you don’t harp and you don’t act immature. Like all relationships, this is a “two-way Street.” You are hurt and angry, but you must do your part if you want to overcome such an ordeal.

Your part is decision making and maturity.

That’s why you both have to be in it together. It will take both people being loving, understanding, and most importantly, fair and respectful of each other’s feelings and emotions throughout the process. I’ve seen it work. I’ve seen it not work. It’s about love, effort, and dedication to the same outcome.

You never know until you try. Make your decision and see it through maturely, the best you can. If the cheated-on partner cannot overcome the pain after a solid effort, it is time to move on, as the damage is irreparable.

A Visit from the In-Laws

So, as a relationship expert, I do more than just date coaching. I help those already in relationships, as well as teens, parents, employers, et cetera. We solve issues in their relationships regardless of what those issues may be.

Today we tackle a tricky question that I am sure will provoke lots of opinions.

Hee Hee Hee In-laws coming to visit.

Last week I had a very anxious wife ask me if it was okay for her mother-in-law to always assume that when they visit – trips are generally planned, but rather last minute – they stay at her home. She felt that her in-laws should at the very least offer to stay at a hotel sometimes. She asked if it were appropriate for her to request this of them, since her husband did not agree and did not see the issue with his parents staying in the guest room on occasion.

I laughed. I mean, a good deep stomach chuckle came roaring out of my mouth at this age-old issue. Like many relationship issues, this one depends on your situation.

I was raised in a small home with a big family and everyone slept everywhere, whenever they showed up. Uncle Mickey would come from Virginia at 2am and sleep on the porch, and Aunt Marion would get in bed with Grams… after waking us up by throwing rocks at the windows. They always decided the morning before that it would be fun to drive twelve hours for a surprise visit. All us kids would pile on the floor, legs on faces, feet in ribs, no sleep and lots of noise, but it did not matter because we were all family, and that’s what family did. They just made it work. And so, I guess I feel the same about this.

What’s the big deal with your husband’s parents staying in your guest room when they come to visit? At least they visit! Lots of people just don’t visit at all and you may have no relationship with them because if that. So, is it better to allow them to stay with you to keep the peace with them and your husband, or should you just ask them to stay out of your life entirely?

You must learn to pick your battles in life and this doesn’t seem like a worthy war to me. Especially when your husband seems to want his parents to stay. They are coming to be with you and your family.

My mother-in-law visits and says she just wants to see us and be in our daily lives. She wants the fighting, the mess, the showers, the laundry, the meal times, the dog walks, the school pick-ups, the grocery trips, the homework, and all the other stuff. She wants to experience the daily activities we would do more often together if we lived closer, but we don’t, so we should make the best of the little time we do have. It seems harmless, and if you aren’t going to die because of it, you should just allow them to stay and be grateful they care enough to make the trip.

Dating Phone Etiquette

I work with clients of all ages that live all over the world, and the biggest complaint that I get these days is : she checked her phone at dinner, he was texting while we were on our date, he texted me to ask me to dinner instead of calling me, she was on her phone posting on Facebook during the entire date, she left her phone out on the table and it kept buzzing, he left his phone out on the table and numerous women called him while we were on the date…YOU GET THE POINT.

News Flash!

There is nothing more undesirable than being on a date and feeling alone or ignored. Do not check your phone. Do not text. Do not email. Do not sit your phone out on the table. Being preoccupied with your phone sends the message that the other person is not as important as what is happening elsewhere. It is very rude.

Now, I know it is 2017 and texting is the only way that most people wish to communicate, but I’m here to tell you that if you truly care for someone, or really want to give a new relationship a shot, stop texting and pick up the phone. In a text message, you can’t hear the excitement in her voice when you ask her to dinner, or the nervousness in his. In a phone call, you get real time, live, unfiltered communication, not the second or third draft of a well thought out written response. And while yes, there will be a chance for awkward silences and/or even turndowns, it shows you took the time and effort to give them a few minutes of your time and that you value theirs. In the end, you cannot screenshot a phone call for the whole world to analyze. It is a conversation between only the two of you, so pick up the phone.

Tossing the Dating Rules

From online dating clients to coaching clients, or an executive member, I am always getting asked the same few questions: The 3-Date Rule, The 3 Days Rule, and When Can We Have Sex?

Clients from 18 to 85 are all wondering the same things, so here is a short and sweet rundown of the what to and what not to follow…

The 3-Day-Rule

STOP! Think about this for just a few minutes. You just had a great date and you are so excited to see him/her again, but some lame, outdated rule says you should wait three days to contact them. Maybe you want to seem cool. Maybe you don’t want to seem too eager. Maybe you are waiting to hear from them first so you don’t seem desperate. Whatever reason you come up with…think again. Anything can happen in three days, including them going on another great date with someone else. What if that other person actually called them the next day and asked them out again and showed their true excitement!! If you had a great date, if you like someone, if you got that feeling, if there is a chance you’d like to see them again, if you are eager to see them again, then you should PICK UP THE PHONE and just do something about it! If you are a reasonably perceptive person, you should be able to tell when and if someone is interested in you and then act accordingly. If you are not sure, life is too short…take your chances on getting a no.

The 3-Date-Rule

Over the last decade, so many men and women have passed up a great guy or guy based on a first date experience. ALWAYS give someone new the courtesy of three dates. I cannot imagine this is a news flash, but most people don’t always perform perfectly on the first date. People get nervous. People are shy. If you meet someone and the first date wasn’t an utter disaster, then you should always try for a second date. On a second date, you can really get to know someone. Everyone is more relaxed and while not completely themselves, more themselves than the first date. For the third date, you can get a little more personal, dig a bit deeper. It can generally take three dates to really know for sure if you have real interest or not. I always push my clients to give three dates as a minimum a shot, and I bet you’ll be happy if you give it a try too.

When Can We Have Sex?

Well, you CAN have sex when you both consent. It could be before you head to dinner for your first date, 6 months into a relationship, or even when you get married. There are plenty of rules here, but there should be none. You have sex when you are ready and it feels right. Period. There does not need to be a timeline. Sit down with yourself and decide what you want and when you will be ready, if needed, but don’t add limits and rules. Relationships are hard enough on their own.

On a side note. Finding a relationship with a partner you are sexually compatible with is a big part of a lasting relationship. Please remember that very often more than not, sexual compatibility is a learned behavior. You must work on it. Variety, emotion, and frequency are heavy factors in sexual compatibility. This is an area where couples often fail due to lack of communication. Know what you like and what you want from a partner. Do not be afraid, ashamed, or even shy about asking for it. If you are unsure of what you want and like, this is fine too, you just must communicate it.  It’s best to know upfront where the line is, so you can gauge if this is a relationship for you.

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