When Life Makes Love Hard

Reader’s Question:

What if you are in a relationship that struggles with what would seem like basic issues, but you can’t seem to correct the basics? Both because of physical exhaustion, and emotional/mental exhaustion.

First, welcome to the club!

It sounds like you are married with kids and truly in the thick of it. “It” being raising a family. Without assuming too much, I’m going to give you a general answer to a general question. Hint…it’s just more work!

Relationships are hard and you only reap what you sow. It takes constant understanding, compassion, honesty, clear communication, and pure effort from you both. You should be a team! That means making up for shortcomings, overlooking bad days, and even doubling your effort when your partner is down, because they should do the same for you.

Together, the two of you are the rulers of your world. You create your reality to a point, and therefore determine your own outcomes. So, together you can create a better relationship by making different decisions.

It’s okay to have bad years and good years. Even if you don’t think it is okay, it can still happen, so get over that. You will have fights, you will shed tears, you will say things you don’t mean out of anger. At the end of the day, you will regret it all, but it’s just a wave on the never-ending ocean that is your relationship. The bad days are not set in stone as “the way things are.” Very much like dealing with kids. We just usually don’t consider getting rid of the children when they piss us off. The arguments, tears, and general struggles, they all make you stronger as a couple. They make you appreciate the good, which allows you to work harder at the bad.

I wish there were some “one size fits all” magical answer, but there simply is not.

All relationships are different and they need different things to thrive. You must be open enough, honest enough, and care enough, to communicate in a way that allows change to take place. Never stop communicating! Always hash it out. When you stop communicating, when you stop trusting, when you go silent… that’s a problem.

Here are a few “biggies” that I want you to remember if you’re down and not sure how to get things back on a better note:

  • All relationships have waves and we often forget, that during dangerous weather, those waves pick up. Generally, you should experience calm waters. So being able to compromise, or even just ride out the storm, can make all the difference in your relationship.
  • Sex is important for many reasons. It doesn’t matter if you have been together for three years, or thirty-three. Physical intimacy matters. Regular sex in a marriage will increase your desire to be intimate. More sex allows for intimacy to become extra playful. You will relieve stress and anxiety. Plus, this really helps make communication easier and more open inside and outside of the home. Withholding sex is never a clever idea and is very damaging to a relationship.
  • Even though you love your partner with all you have, it is okay to not like them all the time.
  • If you are unhappy or struggling, communicate it. If you don’t know why, then figure it out. Communication is one of the key factors to a successful relationship.

To this reader, or any reader…send me more detailed information about your struggles working through the everyday issues long-term relationships experience. We will work through them together!

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