“Coming Out” in High School

Reader’s Question:

I’ve been dating a girl for about four years. We started dating in eighth grade and I love her, but I am gay. I know this has been an unfair lie, but life is hard, especially when you are different. I have wanted to tell her the truth for some time because she is ready to be physical, more than the normal kissing and hand holding, and I just cannot do this with her. The problem is, I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want her to tell anyone. My last year of high school would be hell if anyone found out, as I play lots of sports and people aren’t too inviting on letting a “fag” in the group. Everyone will be so disappointed with me and I’m sure hurt that I have betrayed them by lying for so long. What can I do to make this right for both of us?

First, I’m sorry that as a society, we have let you down.

I cried and felt sadness and guilt when I read your letter. Know that while I don’t know you, I am here for you and you are not alone, ever. There are so many people that will help you along your journey. The truth is, this is very hard, but you will be fine, eventually.

To start, the right thing to do is end your romantic relationship with this young lady. She has the right to find the love she deserves and she’s had that right taken from her for four years.

I know you are just a kid, but you had to know for a long time this is wrong. I understand that you are scared, and I get that you wanted comfort and support from someone you could trust, but it’s simply not fair to your girlfriend, at all. Let her go, now!

My stomach twists as I write this, because as an adult, I want you to man up and just tell her the truth. I also agree with your assumption of the negative outcomes you may experience if she tells people. You will most likely be treated unkindly by your current athletic “friends.” Kids can be evil. The daily news often reminds us kids are ending their life because the emotional and physical bullying leads them to prefer death over another day of misery.

I’m ashamed to advise you to withhold the absolute truth from your girlfriend, as it does not seem that you believe she is mature enough to trust with such a heavy situation.

I live in one of the “best towns in the country to raise kids,” and my own high school aged son has been subject to hate crimes at school for having a Jewish last name.

Prejudice/Bigotry/Racism is still very prevalent all over the country and it’s not getting any better, especially at schools.

Your girlfriend is very young and about to have her “heart broken.” The saying goes, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” and I have found the saying exists for a reason…especially with immature people. High school students can nearly always be classified as immature.

I guess what I am saying is, don’t tell her, right now. Perhaps when she is healed and things are a little more comfortable down the road. You will have to feel that out for yourself.

Most gay men “come out” to those around them at about age 21. Do not wait that long to begin living the life you desire and deserve, but perhaps finish high school first.

It sounds as if your parents don’t know either, and at this point, I am now doubtful you have told anyone at all. You might want to consider talking to one or both of your parents, as it’s vital to have some support at home. If your parents don’t already know of your sexual orientation, it may take a moment for them to adjust, but they will come around.

Please, know that it is incredibly hard for me to tell you to keep a secret that should not have to be kept. I want to free you to open up and tell your friends and girlfriend the truth…be a pioneer…make it easier for the next kid…but, breaking down barriers is not “in the cards” for everyone. If you want to live your life in peace, I understand.

Consider the Alternative:

If you do nothing and continue to hang with the same “friends” and be with a girl…will you regret your decision in the future? Down the road, when you are openly gay, will you regret not standing up for yourself? Will you regret not giving your friends a chance to accept you? These are mature contemplations, and you may not be ready to analyze your life and its meaning at a young age, but try.

Remember, every ending starts a new beginning!

Live-In Nanny for Unemployed Mom?

Reader’s Question:

My wife wants a nanny to help with the kids, but she does not have a job, so I don’t see why she needs help. She has asked for a full-time, live-in nanny and I won’t agree unless she is going back to work full-time. We don’t need the money, but if we have a nanny, she should do something, right?

Well, I must say – from the little information I have – I sort of agree.

If she isn’t working or volunteering outside the house, then why does she need a live-in Nanny? It would be my belief that if she isn’t working outside the home then her full-time job is the home, which also means your kiddos. I know many women who are full-time housewives and still have a maid, but generally, they care for their own children.

It takes all types to make the world go round.

I know men that hire a live-in nanny for their incapable wife so that better care for their children is available.

I have met women who have a live-in nanny because they love their children, but at the same time, can pay someone to do the raising and the dirty work. As they don’t feel obligated to do so. These women only participate in the fun activities.

I also know there are many women out there who are given daily tasks from their husband, plus family stuff, which is also a full-time job. And yes, I know women who work full time and raise kids, with and without husbands, and do it all alone…and they are awesome.

If you haven’t already, I suggest you have a calm and respectful talk with your wife about her request. Have you asked her why she wants a Nanny? Maybe she is going through something, maybe she is feeling overwhelmed. You should ask and work through it. You two are a team and it sounds like something is up, so it’s time to find out what that is.

Once you two are on the same page about the why, then perhaps you can come to a compromise about the situation.

 

 

“Slutty” Mom Dresser

Readers Question:
My mother recently started dating again and we all encourage and support her to do so. However, she has recently started to dress very inappropriately. Everyone is shocked and embarrassed for her. How can we explain to her that it is in her best interest to dress more “her age?”

Relationships only work if there is honest and open communication. With mom, you need to do just that. Sounds like mom is having a hard time, so I would advise that this situation be handled with caution and care.

First Attempt

If mom has just started to date again, it could mean she is feeling insecure about her age, looks, identity, et cetera. So maybe take her to lunch or even a spa day to help her to feel better about herself. While you’re there, you can slip in a very “innocent” conversation. Get straight to the point and be nonchalant in your body language and tone. She’ll thank you in the long run.

For Example:

“Hey, I noticed your new wardrobe. I don’t think you need that to be attractive for a guy, you know? There are plenty of men that would die for you just the way you are!”
Give that chat some time to sink in and see if mom stops dressing like a hussy. If she “picked up what you were putting down,” great! If not…

Second Attempt – Serious Intervention Time!

So, mom either did not pick up on or did not care about your easy-going try at curbing her revealing wardrobe ways. This time lay it on thick and make sure she knows people that care for her feel it is best for her to change the way she presents herself to possible suitors.

For Example:

“Mom…lately the new clothes you’re wearing are not very appropriate for your age. I’m being honest with you because I love you and I want you to feel good about yourself, yet look respectable at the same time. If something is going on, I’m here to listen and help in any way.”

Hopefully, a blunt conversation will help your mom realize that her confidence and attractiveness don’t depend on showing skin.

Dating is hard at any age. I am not sure of your mom’s situation, but as you get older, it seems to get more complicated. Especially when you have been out of the scene for a while.

It’s hard to be lonely, but it’s even harder to find someone decent to share your life with. Please remember to be supportive and understanding.

At the same time, convince your mom to “dress her age!”

(Openly) Married with Children

Reader’s Question:

I’ve done a lot of reading lately about open marriages. I am considering this as an option in my own marriage. I love my wife and we are happy, but both want more. I am concerned because we have two teenage children and I am not sure how to explain to them our situation, should the need arise. Any thoughts on my unique issue? Have you worked with couples in our same situation?

I’ve worked with a few couples who were very comfortable and content with their open relationships. However, they either never had children or the children were in college before the relationship was “opened.” As I coached them over the years and really got to know them as individuals, and couples, I can honestly say their situation may not have worked had kids been involved. As in, living at home at the time.

Just like every relationship, all open marriages are different. Different couples seek different levels of commitment.

If you and your wife are just in this for the “hanky spanky,” and you find other couples looking for the same thing, then being discreet is an option that could work. You are adults and you can have your own lives away from your children.

Make sure to be respectful when kids are involved, growing up is hard enough without adding swinger parents to the mix.

Now, if you’re both looking for something deeper, like side relationships that would grow into loving commitments, this creates a very different scenario. Assuming your children are in high school, you are looking at up to four years of hiding a second life from your children. Or, you can choose to share your lifestyle choices and hope they are mature and understanding enough to accept this makes both of you happy and hurts no one…expect most likely your children!

What if one of you falls in love with a side partner and wants to spend quality time with them? Will you have weekends, overnights, vacation trips, or even a separate apartment with them?

There is a lot to think about when starting this type of new adventure, especially when kids are involved. I am assuming from your research, you have thought it out, communicated openly and honestly with one another, and know exactly what both of you are looking for.

As a parent, I feel like you are being selfish. Kids need stability -if at all possible- and it sounds like it is very possible for you.

Unless you are traveling for your new relationships, people in your community will find out. I’m not saying you two have anything to hide or be ashamed of. I am not discouraging open marriage. If you are both adults and you both want this, great. Who am I to define your relationship? BUT seriously, if you love each other and everything is fine, why can’t you just wait until the kids are in college? It can’t be more than a few years and it could save your relationship with your children, as well as their mental well-being as they move on into adulthood.

Right now, your kids don’t need to deal with your “shit.” Your kids still need you as mom and dad.

Parenting is a thankless and onerous job.  Put yourself in their shoes for a moment. Think about what friends or other parents will say. Of course, we adults know it doesn’t matter how others judge us from afar, but your kids are not adults.

In general, teenagers act out. It’s a hard time for them in most aspects of their life. They are just now learning about the what’s, when’s, how’s, and why’s of relationships. There is simply no way for kids to have any sort of higher perspective on the matter. You should expect they will experience emotions like anger, embarrassment, and instability. Your home, your family and your relationship is their foundation… for now. You would effectively “turn their world upside down.”

I am happy to jump on a phone call with you and your partner to discuss your situation in more detail.

Please, handle this with care.

Vetting an Executive Matchmaking Agency

Reader’s Question:

I am wondering how to assess executive matchmaking agencies. I have been with three now and spent well over $200K, to be left with a bad taste in my mouth and no wife. They all made big promises and then could not back up all the talk. I know with my lifestyle, career, and personal preferences, I need a good agency. So, what do I look forward and what are the things I stay away from?

P.S. Let me know when space opens in your Houston community. I think you are the only agency I have EVER heard of that caps a membership, most companies are only it in for the $$$.

Great question. I admit right now that I will obviously be a tad bit bias here. As I too own an agency, but I will do my best to keep it straight forward.

There are so many things to consider when you go to a matchmaking agency:

Pricing: My company has set prices for all programs. We do this because we don’t care about your money. We are the only company in the country to have set prices. Most of the high-level agencies will begin with asking you about your house, car, and favorite toys. They do this to find out where you spend your extra cash.

They use whatever information you give to negotiate later when they pitch you the price. Save all this stuff for when you talk to your actual matchmaker. Although, in most cases, matchmaking agencies will pass you around to several “matchmakers” and you will have to tell each and every one of them your story separately…from the start… to have the best chance at a decent match. With us, you only work with me. Generally speaking, you should look for a company who is not using income-based pricing.

Do the research and google some pricing. Try to get the appointment setter to give you a general idea. Which could be anywhere from $5K to $250K, but if you push, they can narrow it down for you.

Matchmakers: An agency is only as good as its matchmakers and recruiters. They may have gorgeous and attractive photos, but if someone isn’t hitting the pavement to find actual gals, and presenting them to a matchmaker, who will meet them? Who will critically assess them several times before using them? If a matchmaker doesn’t interact with them, what’s the point?

The most crucial part of the matchmaking process is, of course, the matchmaker. So, it is a good idea to request a short conversation with the matchmaker(s) you will be working with. Try for Facetime or Skype if you cannot meet in person. You want to gauge if you feel comfortable working together. Once you have done this, ask that it be written into your contract that you are given one matchmaker, and not passed around to the matchmaker who happens to be working that day. Having a consistent matchmaker and recruiting team is vital to the success of your program. If the company has a high turnover rate of matchmakers, you should steer clear.

Website: Check out photos of the current gals on the website. Ask if they are real. Ask about everyone at first and take notes, then ask the matchmaker to see if they are on the same page. They most likely will not be. Most sites are still using images of gals from 5-15 years ago. These old images are the best photos that the bring in the guys. You can even wait two weeks and then ask why the gals on the site have not changed. On our site, we give the gals a banner to let everyone know they are now “off the market.” In addition, we don’t send out gals on 50 dates a month, they get one. We don’t use stagnant pools!

The ladies you will date: A common issue with high-end matchmaking services is the recycling of matches. While matchmakers aren’t necessarily doing this to scam their clients, it is a regular occurrence for women to agree to date men from more than one company at a time. The Executive Heart Market is constantly recruiting new extraordinary singles for our Executive Matchmaking Members, meaning our matches will be fresh, personalized and hand-selected. We do not keep a “used” pool of candidates for our Executive Matchmaking Members.

Always ask these questions:

“Do you screen your ladies in person?”

If so, how? Are they screened by employees or recruiters? Do you have any employees in my areas and is there an office? Are they full-time or part-time? I say this because most agencies don’t have actual employees in all their locations, but they say they do. They will use the word “recruiter,” which is not an employee or a matchmaker.

“How often do you update information on your ladies?”

And, do you re-interview them to see what they really look like? Do you update their photo and their bio? Can you provide photos that are not photoshopped?

“How many ladies are in your database, that you have had contact with in the last three months?”

No one will answer this honestly and if they say a number, they are not telling you the truth. The number of ladies (and therefore opportunity) is why men join. It’s their only selling point that should matter.

“How many ladies do you have in each region of the country?”

No one will answer this honestly and if they say a number, they are not telling you the truth. The number of ladies is why men join. It’s their only selling point that matters.

“Show me an example of what you consider a 7, 8, 9, and 10.”

This is good. You should take a few pictures of your own, of real girls, and ask them to rate them.

How do matches work: You should find an agency that allows both of you to see a photo. Make sure they are meeting your important preferences and deal breakers, and if they are not, do not accept a phone number for that match. Make sure they are going to get feedback from your date, as well as from you. This way everyone can be on the same page, knowing how to move forward.

It is a tricky process to find a good executive matchmaker, but you can always call us for recommendations! Always remember to sleep on it before you sign. You are given three full days by law, excluding Sundays and holidays, to cancel your membership at any agency with no obligation and a full refund.

Good Luck!

Marry Me, Again!

Reader’s Question:

My wife and I have been on and off again since high school, including having now been married and divorced. Recently we started “dating” again and she wants to get remarried. I love her and now that we are older, I am sure things will be better, but I’m not sure if I want to go through the trouble if things don’t work out again. How can I get her to understand that marriage is just a piece of paper and we don’t need this to be together without her going ape shit. I told her I’m not sure and I am committed to her, and she says then I should prove it and get married. I tell her to take me like this or leave me alone. Who’s right?

First, marriage is more than a piece of a paper!

Marriage is a lifelong commitment that you make to one another. You promise to love, protect, and provide for each other unconditionally, forever and ever.

You two have been there and done that when you were younger, but it clearly didn’t work out. So, you broke those vows and moved forward. Now you want to rewind, or even try a new (old) path, but the thing is, relationships do not work this way. At least not well. Maybe this is something she should realize.

You two already found things in your marriage that were bad enough to make you break your vows and walk away. So, I ask you both:

What has changed, except time?

You two are clearly drawn to each other as you keep gravitating to one another, but chemistry and comfort are not enough to keep a marriage alive. Nor are they enough to start a marriage…again.

When things got tough, you both bolted. Marriage inherently causes many issues, obstacles, and challenges. Some will be rain drops and others will be tsunamis.

I know this is boring, but…If you don’t have a solid foundation to start, how will you weather these storms?

Usually, the past is best kept in the past. But, if you two have not worked out why you divorced in the first place, the same issues are likely to cause the same feelings and eventually the same problems.

If you’re thinking being older (and wiser) should naturally fix things, think again.

Communicate with each other openly and decide if you both are healed enough to move forward. If one of you is not ready, the other should be more than understanding. The first failed marriage should be reason enough to ask for more time before giving your thoughts and feelings.

See each other, a lot. Live together for at least a year.  If you still don’t want to marry her, again, you two will be left with a compromise…or not.

 

Should I Compromise My Dream of Having a Traditional Family?

Reader’s Question:

I am 38 years old. I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 8 years and I am ready to have a baby and get married. Her not so much. She is happy with how things are in our relationship and says that she is willing to have a baby, but wants us to be more life partners than husband and wife. This is not cool with me. I want the traditional family stuff and so did she. I am not sure what changed and I don’t’ want to throw away 8 years, but should I settle if I want marriage and she does not? 

The answer to your first question is yes, I do believe that you would be settling, and here is why:

You have been together for eight years and so it is “normal,” at the very least understandable, to want to get married and have children. She does not seem to want either of these things, which is not “not normal,” (follow me here) but it is the opposite of what you want…to say the least.

I want to ask you so many questions that would help me better understand the situation.

How old is she? Have you had this talk before? Why does she not believe in, or want marriage? Did you know this when you two first started dating? Is this new or has it been going on for some time? How is your relationship overall? How does she think marriage vs. a life partnership will change things? Et cetera. I will do my best with the little info that was given.

In my opinion – assuming that you two have talked, and talked, and talked some more…then waited and thought and talked some more – it is time for you to be honest with yourself and then her.

First, you must decide if you want to get married and have a baby bad enough to walk away from an eight-year relationship that you truly care about. You care so much that you want marriage and a family.

Secondly, you have to consider if you are okay with the facts, being she does not want to get married, EVER. Plus, she is simply WILLING to have a baby for you, is the gist I’m picking up on.

She is obviously willing to stay together, but her love is conditional – i.e. no marriage and does not really want a baby- you have conditions too- i.e. marriage and children.

Now you have two people who love each other. One with a missing piece because they are not married. One with a baby they don’t really want…and if they have, will probably regret.

I smell major resentment blowing in…You see sir, you have the right, and I believe you OWE yourself the chance, to find what you want that will make you the happiest.

Everyone should find the love they deserve and settle for nothing less. You have the right to a fairy tale and so does she. See, sometimes we find someone in life and we love them, and they love us, and then it ends.

Not because it was bad or good, but because the relationship ran its course and served it purpose. That’s how life works. Life is constant change and we have to be willing to change with it or be left behind.

Eight years of being together is a long time to walk away from, and it’s a decision you shouldn’t take lightly. But, if the two of you have come to a true understanding and neither is willing to give or take, then it could be time to accept change and move on from each other.

REMEMBER, if you do settle, this is a choice you are making. Settling here could mean not getting married or having a kid, or it could mean having a baby and never being married.

If you compromise and choose one of those options, you must be okay with that decision for the rest of your relationship. For the rest of your life!

You would be deciding to take a deep breath and then let it go. You would have to let go of your desires to have a traditional family. You can’t use it to fuel fights or win arguments. You can’t allow it to build resentment and hatred. You truly must let go and move forward.

If you can’t compromise and be happy, MOVE ON!