My wife and I have been on and off again since high school, including having now been married and divorced. Recently we started “dating” again and she wants to get remarried. I love her and now that we are older, I am sure things will be better, but I’m not sure if I want to go through the trouble if things don’t work out again. How can I get her to understand that marriage is just a piece of paper and we don’t need this to be together without her going ape shit. I told her I’m not sure and I am committed to her, and she says then I should prove it and get married. I tell her to take me like this or leave me alone. Who’s right?
First, marriage is more than a piece of a paper!
Marriage is a lifelong commitment that you make to one another. You promise to love, protect, and provide for each other unconditionally, forever and ever.
You two have been there and done that when you were younger, but it clearly didn’t work out. So, you broke those vows and moved forward. Now you want to rewind, or even try a new (old) path, but the thing is, relationships do not work this way. At least not well. Maybe this is something she should realize.
You two already found things in your marriage that were bad enough to make you break your vows and walk away. So, I ask you both:
What has changed, except time?
You two are clearly drawn to each other as you keep gravitating to one another, but chemistry and comfort are not enough to keep a marriage alive. Nor are they enough to start a marriage…again.
When things got tough, you both bolted. Marriage inherently causes many issues, obstacles, and challenges. Some will be rain drops and others will be tsunamis.
I know this is boring, but…If you don’t have a solid foundation to start, how will you weather these storms?
Usually, the past is best kept in the past. But, if you two have not worked out why you divorced in the first place, the same issues are likely to cause the same feelings and eventually the same problems.
If you’re thinking being older (and wiser) should naturally fix things, think again.
Communicate with each other openly and decide if you both are healed enough to move forward. If one of you is not ready, the other should be more than understanding. The first failed marriage should be reason enough to ask for more time before giving your thoughts and feelings.
See each other, a lot. Live together for at least a year. If you still don’t want to marry her, again, you two will be left with a compromise…or not.