My partner and I are in our 60’s. We have been together for 10 years, but have not been intimate for the last 9. In year one I made a comment about our sex being boring and with that said, we never had sex again. I crave the intimacy. Last week I talked with my partner about our lack of intimacy and she was horrified that I would even bring it up and basically explained to me that I drove that nail in the coffin years ago with my comment, and this was simply off the table, period. I love her and she is good to me. I don’t want to leave her or hurt her, as we are both older and committed to each other, but I would like to have a friend on the side to be physical with. Is this wrong if we are both consenting adults just looking for sex with no feelings involved?
There are so many issues here, I do not know where to begin…
Let’s start with your current relationship:
It seems petty to take a comment – even if you should have stated it differently – and hold it over someone for nine years. This would lead me to assume she is holding out for other reasons, but let’s skip speculation and discuss what we do know.
If you love each other and are going to spend the rest of your lives together then nothing reasonable should ever really be off the table for discussion or change.
When you love someone, you must be willing to compromise…and sometimes even change for your relationship to grow and maintain a healthy balance. I would suggest another chat with your partner. Explain to her that this is something you are not really willing to let go of, and it is an aspect of your relationship you are unhappy with. So much so, that you are considering a big life change.
As a woman and a wife, I cannot understand how she would withhold sex for one comment.
In life, we all say and do stupid things that hurt those we love from time to time. Then we fix it, forgive, and more forward. It’s been nine years. It’s time to move forward.
Let’s call it like it is, an affair.
If you’re not going to be honest with your partner about having a sexual relationship on the side, then it is just plain wrong of you. You say you love her and you don’t want to hurt her, but I can assure you that this will indeed hurt her…should she find out.
I guess I am saying, yes, this would be wrong.
Relationships need effort and open/honest communication. Lies like this don’t just crack the foundation, they generally plow it down.
At the end of the day, you should not settle for less than what you truly need in a relationship. It is time for you and your partner to end this dry spell and just do it already. If she is unwilling to go down this path with you, then, in my opinion, it is time to explain you will need to move on to someone who is more open minded about basic relationship needs.