My Husband Doesn’t Know I’m Gay

Reader’s Question:

I have been married for about five years, but we have been together since high school (i.e. a long time). My husband and I have two beautiful children and a very comfortable middle-class life. All is well except I am gay. I guess I have known all my life, but never wanted to face the truth. I love my husband and my family and I do not want a divorce. I am happy with my life and do not want things to change. However, I know I am hurting my husband because I am not attracted to men and he can tell during sex. I have to imagine women to get through it. Everything else is as perfect as I would hope for. I know he feels insufficient. I want to tell him it is my fault and not his, but I know this will not end well. I want to be honest, but I am afraid he will leave. This life we have built and fought for will be gone. Since I am content with just leaving things how they are and moving forward, is it unfair of me to keep this from my husband? I just get so sad that he feels less about himself because of my deception. I ‘m not sure I can live with this guilt since I love him so much, but I don’t want to lose my family. What do I do so that everyone is happy?

Everyone should be happy…eventually.

Take a deep breath. You already know what the right thing to do is, I know you do. The best choices are typically the toughest. As much as you love him and you don’t want to lose him, it is so unfair not to tell him the truth.

Yes, he will most likely leave, but either way, he has the right to choose for himself.

He will need time. Time to figure out what he wants, who he is without you, and how to handle this change in his reality. You have had a lot of time to process and deal with all of this, and now he will need time, too.

Maybe he will be okay with this. Maybe he will want to continue on without changing the status quo, as you do. Perhaps he will find solace in the truth and feel reassured that it is not his sexual prowess at fault. Maybe he already has a good idea that you are solely attracted to women.

There is only one way to find out.

I know that you love him and you don’t want to lose him, but his love for you should urge him to want what is best for you as well. It is in everyone’s best interest to tell the truth. If you both decide to bury this deep and live “happily ever after,” then so be it. That is your choice, together. It must be a choice he gets to make as well.

Sex is not the most important aspect of life or a relationship, BUT sex is important!

I am sorry that you never felt comfortable enough to be who you truly are. Opening up to your husband about this may seem like the end of your world, but try to think of it as a new beginning. It could take time to heal from the change, whatever that change ends up being…but you should both feel relieved to have spoken and heard the truth about such a heavy and constant concern.

Sharing this could give you a chance to really find yourself and explore new types of relationships. Maybe you will even find that perfect gal and fall in love.

Also, your situation is not as uncommon as you may believe. These things happen and people move on. Everything will be great. Just do right by your children and remember, the sooner you start your new journey, the sooner you can reach that happiness.


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