How Does a Republican Mom Talk to Her Child About President Trump?

Reader’s Question:

 I am a resident of Palm Beach, Florida and have two children. I have always supported the Republican party and respected the president of our once great nation. This week my son came home with a homework assignment about an important person in history and he blindly picked President Trump. The paper my son wrote was disrespectful and appalling, but most of it true. I did not allow my son to complete the work and have asked for a new person of interest. While I do respect the White House, how do I respect a man making a mockery of our country? How do you talk to your children about the President?

Well, you are the first person to bring a political question to JAM (Just Ask Misty). I hoped this day would never arrive, but I will gladly give you my opinion.

Why are teachers putting children in this situation when our country (most of us I hope) is fighting the regressive actions/thinking of the current president? I think that if one child must write a paper about President Trump, they all should.

We all have lessons to learn from the Trump “presidency.” While your son doesn’t need to stand out as an activist at school, I would have encouraged him to rewrite the paper. He could have provided the same messages while communicating in a respectful and academically appropriate way. Being able to disagree with someone in a mature manner is a huge life and professional skill. One that is all too often overlooked due to how hard it can truly be.

I too respect the office. Therefore, whether I like him or not, the president is included in that regard, and that is what I tell my children. Fortunately, respecting a person does not mean you agree with them. It means that you disagree in an appropriate way. Which is also what I tell my children about disagreeing with any person, especially adults, especially me, and their dad.

The President of the United States is to be respected, but not followed blindly. A lot of parents are discussing the current leadership in our country in an openly, negative manner right now. This is a good thing if done right, but you can’t just vent about the president and use derogatory words. You must explain your opinions with fact.

Although, a good portion of what is wrong with the president’s actions are inherent truths for people that are not filled with ignorant, hate. Philosophies like: two wrongs do not make a right, are pretty simple to get on board with! It is also how you can justify respecting the current president. Do not follow him blindly, but also don’t allow him to change your level of respect for our country’s top office.

As a country, divided or not, we used our right to vote. The current system of the electoral college put Donald Trump in office. If polls are correct, most people do not like him. When has the country as a whole liked the president? I’m guessing never (guessing because I honestly don’t know), but we still got up every day and moved forward, just like we will with President Trump.

Remember, the president does not define our country, we the people, do! Also, the president is only 1/3 of the problem. We need to focus much more on who we put in congress. Teach your son to care about congressional seats just as much as who sits in the oval office.

We aren’t born hating and discriminating those that are different from us. We are taught and we learn from our environment. We must teach our children from the very beginning. Right now, President Trump is providing valuable lessons on what not to do multiple times a week!

So, what are we learning and what can we teach our children from this experience?

I teach my children about the freedom of speech. I tell them to speak honestly and respectfully. I teach them to care for all people. Hate and discrimination will not be tolerated and they should fight for human equality, always. I teach them that one person can make a difference and true leadership starts today! I teach them to speak up. I help them understand the responsibility of speaking up when they see something that isn’t right.

The tone of the election was unbelievably negative. Among the candidates and their supporters, we saw bullying, name-calling, and lots of ugly language. I encourage them to rise above the negativity and be positive, kind, and respectful to everyone. I believe this is what our country needs right now. I encourage you to teach your children about learning from others unwise choices.

If your son looks at President Trump and sees ugliness, then he will know that being that type of person is not for him. He will know that he is different from that person. That is a good thing. He can grow and mature on that premise.

Teach your son to be honest and kind, as that is all we truly need.

https://justaskmisty.com/

 

Wake Up, She’s There for the Money!

Reader’s Question:

When I date a woman, I like to take care of her, but I want that to be my choice and not her expectation. Why do so many women think it is okay to ask a man for money after a date or two? Don’t they realize it makes them look like they are only there for the money?

 Oh Boy! I could write a book on this one question, but can answer it in as little as a few words:

Wake up, she’s there for the money!

She knows the game and yes, she realizes what it makes her look like… because it is most likely her job. I’m guessing you aren’t her only “ATM.”

 These females give real women a bad rap, but I do get it and boy do they have it good (you know, besides the lack of love, respect, and self-worth)!

I know this makes me sound like a broken record, but you are dating the wrong type of women if this behavior turns you off. Some men tolerate this behavior because they are majorly reaching up and out of their league, which usually comes with a hefty price tag.  Others reach out of their league and when they see the price tag, they run.

Stop reaching or get your checkbook ready because some people (i.e. women and men) date as a career.

Listen, there is nothing wrong with wanting nice things in life, but entitlement is a whole different matter. Entitlement of your money on the first few dates should be handled like you would a small child. Inform said “gold digger” that this behavior is not how a mature and equal relationship works, and it’s simply unacceptable.

If they choose to walk away, then you have saved yourself a lot of money and drama. You owe it to yourself to be honest and upfront from the very beginning. Treat yourself with respect!

Even if you do decide to tolerate this type of behavior, please call her on her shit, so at the very least she knows the game is over.

 

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Reader’s Question:

I am 34 years old. I have never been married, but am ready to settle down. I have noticed that all the guys I know, date, or even chat with, seem to really like dating and have no interest in settling down. I simply do not understand this new trend. Is this real?

 New trend???

Wake Up Girlie!! Lack of commitment is a trend that goes back to the beginning of time… being a trans-species, cat-human is a “trend” right now. How surprised can you be?

It is no secret that both men and women, for numerous reasons, have major issues when it comes to commitment. I am guessing this will never change.

If you are ready to settle down then it could be time for you to have a long, honest talk with yourself about what you want and need in a life partner. Once you go through these realistic truths with yourself, you will probably see that many of the guys you are casually dating don’t meet many, if any, of your requirements (leaving physical traits out).

See, when we are looking to “hook-up” vs looking to get serious, we send off different vibes. We are attracted to different people depending on the type of relationship we want. Some people make great friends with benefits. Some people are great for the casual dinner party. Then there are those few that you can see a white, picket fence future with. These good, reasonable, nice guys generally don’t get the first or even second thought from a gal until they are ready to settle down.

So, are you dating/knowing/chatting with the right type of guy?

Probably not and that’s okay, but if you are ready to settle down, it is time for some change.

As you begin to seek out men with this new purpose in mind, remember that honesty is important, but don’t be crazy. Make it known that you are not looking for a fling, but don’t talk about marriage on the first date either. You can convey that you had fun dating in the past, but now want a relationship that includes aspects of a friendship and the ability to grow together. The ability to care for one another. You are not interested in someone who is not looking for the same thing. Don’t try and convince yourself or them otherwise. Speak up, you owe it to yourself.

These “perfect” partners we search for, they are out there. Mix things up. Don’t try meeting guys at the same places you always did. Try something or someplace new. Try to remember in the moment that you are looking for a relationship now, not just a date. If the potential isn’t there, don’t waste anymore time.

My Adult Daughter’s Eating Disorder is Back?

Reader’s Question:

I need some gentle advice for my adult daughter. I am worried for her health, but unsure how to talk to her about the issue. When my daughter was in high school she had a major eating disorder that lasted about five years. She is now a “healthy” adult with a husband and children. To the untrained eye there seems to be no issues, but as her mother, I am noticing some changes. I have made a few very small comments to try to talk about it, but she shuts me down immediately and tells me I’m crazy.  I feel like there is something to keep an eye on here, but don’t want to overstep my boundaries. My big question here is, what to do? Should I just confront her with my worries? Should I talk to her husband? I just hate to see her fall back into the clutches of this horrible illness.

 

To state the obvious…this is a very sensitive matter. Eating disorders last a lifetime.

As her mother, I am sure you can see the signs… if you are thinking clearly. Are you sure there is cause for alarm? As mothers, sometimes we tend to think the worst in these situations as we have already been down this road, and now fear what will happen should we have to do it again?

If you can communicate in a positive way, then you and your daughter should talk whether she likes it or not. It should be as simple as, “I have noticed such and such changes and I want you to know I am here for you, should you need anything.” I don’t think going to her husband is such a great idea. If she does have a problem, you don’t want her to feel like you are ganging up on her, especially behind her back, even though your intentions are good.

You must remember she is an adult with a family. You will always be her mother, but you cannot control her life. She needs to make her own decision and take care of herself. She has a husband and children counting on her day in and day out. So I’m guessing she is capable of handling anything that may be happening.

I can tell you I have been down this road myself. For many years I fought with an eating disorder and I won the battle, but many don’t. We live in a very vain society where everyone tries to fit into social norms. Over many years of bulimia and anorexia recovery therapy, I learned that this disorder will never go away. I will never see myself how you see me. I will never feel pretty. I will never feel guilt free when I eat, especially in front of people.

I often hear comments about how I am too thin or I need to eat more. I know people will never understand. Today, I am healthy and confident. I will never get worse, but for me, this is as good as it gets. I have a feeling it may be for your daughter too, and that is okay.

Should you find out that your daughter is having a relapse with an eating disorder, she should seek treatment immediately. It’s a long, hard road, but everyone should be involved to help her fight this deadly disorder.

 

Relationship Question Speed Round: Eating, Dogs, and Divorce!

Reader Question: What is appropriate to eat on a first date?

 Seriously? Eat whatever you want. I know there are all these fictitious rules floating out there about what not to eat on a first date. Who writes that crap? The best thing to do on a date is BE YOURSELF. If you want a burger or a plate of pasta, do it. If your date doesn’t approve then maybe try a new date. If delicious food is important to you, as it is me, find yourself a fellow foodie to love!

 Reader Question: Who gets the dog after a breakup?

 Not much info here, but I am guessing the use of the word “breakup” means marriage and kids are not involved. So, did you buy the dog together? If you did not, then whoever brought the dog into the relationship takes the dog out of the relationship. If you did buy the dog together, then which one of you has REALLY been taking care of the dog? I.e. feeding, walking, de-pooping, vets, and play time. The dog rightfully goes to whoever can offer this dog a better dog’s life. Do right by the dog. Do not fight for the dog because you simply want to “win.” If one of you is more capable and willing then the dog should go to your home. Also, a pup usually gravitates towards a clear “master.” The established “master” would be the clear choice.

 Reader Question: Who should move out of the house after a divorce?

 This is a tough question with no background. If children are involved, my personal and professional opinion is that kids stay in the established home with whatever parent gets primary custody. If there are no kids involved and you both want the house, maybe sell the home. This way you can both buy something new to have a fresh start. Instead of fighting about the home in court, try to be kind to each other in this hard time. Do what is best for everyone involved.

 

Welcome to “Mayberry High”

Reader’s Question:

I live in a small town. It seems like most of the moms here know each other. From my experiences so far…these moms are very “clicky.” Over the past two years, I have noticed that because I am not in these crowds, my kids don’t get invited to parties, play-dates, or even after school hang outs. My kid hangs out with the “clicky” mom’s kids at school, but never seem to be able to make plans out of the classroom. I have come to understand that because I am not a PTA mom, a social butterfly, a local “lush,” or a part of the “in crowd,” my kid loses out. Where do I go from here, because I feel no need to pretend with the “popular” moms? I graduated high school a long time ago!

 

Welcome to “Mayberry High.”

If you thought social inclusion based on popularity would disappear after high school, think again.

I also live in a small town – not that larger towns are exempt – and have been here for about five years. I too have noticed the same occurrences with groups of moms and their kids. If you aren’t part of the “gaggle,” you are an outcast and so are your kiddos. These moms would never admit this, of course, and it all feels very much like high school.

I call this occurrence “Mayberry High” because these moms usually portray themselves and their kid(s) as perfect.

Being a part of these gaggles requires the utmost ability to be phony. Oh no, do not “adult” here. Do not dare discuss unflattering real life happenings. These groups don’t want to hear that you think your kid is a little shit most of the time. Although, husband bashing is perfectly acceptable. In these groups you must only speak of how dearly you love your child and all his/her difficulties.

Hogwash, I say. Parents should be able to vent to each other and be real/honest about how hard raising kids really is.

“Mayberry High” crew members often remind me of the movie “American Beauty.” These moms try their damndest to have the community view them as perfect. In reality, their private life is often more f’ed up than you can imagine. The “popular” moms also tend to binge drink…like I said, raising kids is hard.

We all just want to fit in, right? Wrong.

People will always judge you and you should be strong enough to not give a shit! Especially as a parent. Think about the example you set for your young ones.

As for the kids, well life does go on. Hopefully they will make friends who are not so tied to their parent’s social lives. This generally doesn’t happen until they get older, about seventh grade or so.

Remember, you are not alone. I get this question dozens of times every week. Just ignore the “cool moms” and do your thing.

My Husband is a High Functioning Alcoholic

Reader’s Question:

My husband is an alcoholic. I’m not sure if this type of issue is in your wheelhouse. Sometimes he makes me believe that he knows there is an issue. Other times, he makes me think I am crazy and overreacting. He goes to work every day and comes home every night, but he is always drinking, even at work. I have tried to talk to him about it and have even consulted with a doctor and other family members. We are concerned. This is starting to affect our marriage and it is a terrible example for our children. I am ready to walk away. Do you have any advice on how to help him with his addiction?

I am not a doctor and cannot give you medical advice – which is needed -, but I can give you some advice about your relationship. I will also give you some motivation to help your husband, now!

You are not crazy. You are not overreacting. Your husband is a high functioning alcoholic. Your husband needs help!

The fact that he can keep a job and doesn’t black-out behind the bar doesn’t make his problem less vital to deal with…because his addiction could easily lead him down that road. I’m surprised his employer hasn’t caught on yet or doesn’t care.

When someone has a problem, such as an addiction to alcohol, they tend to be defensive and blame others. By saying you are crazy and overreacting, he is trying to take the attention off himself. 

The sad truth is that most people don’t change, they just become more of who they already are. Unless he truly wants to change, he won’t, and you can’t make him. No one can.

You have some tough choices to make. If your husband refuses to work on his drinking habits, then take steps to reduce potential harms to yourself and your family. This could very well mean leaving him and taking the kids with you. 

You must protect yourself and your family physically, emotionally/psychologically, and financially. You will need support to handle this situation, just as he does. It is good that you have already begun to reach out to those around you.

Your first step should be knowledge gathering. Learn, learn, learn. Use the internet and read about living with a high functioning alcoholic husband. Makes sure you are not reading some high-end rehab’s business website. Look for academic, medical, non-profit, and government resources. There is a ton of information out there for you. Read about the various resources and treatments you can utilize to help. 

Once you feel comfortable with your options moving forward, talk to your doctor, again. The combination of your research and your physician’s opinion should give you the ability to make a plan. 

I want to be clear. This is a medical issue and should be treated as such. You must involve medical professionals. You have tried honest communication with your husband and he has not taken your concerns seriously. 

Learn what has worked best for others and do everything you can to help your husband. He needs you now, very much. Unless he is harming you or your kids then leave the piece of shit. Otherwise, do your best to love him by helping him. 

My Marriage Needs its Sex Back!

Reader’s Question:

 My wife and I are in a sexless marriage. It has been about a year since we were intimate and things get awkward with us physically. We don’t really kiss or touch and when we do, it feels like there is a major disconnect, and talking about it gets us nowhere. I know my wife well and this isn’t about an affair or something like that. Life and kids have taken its toll on our marriage and I need to fix it. Please, any advice you can give me to help me talk to my wife would be appreciated.

I hear this all the time. Your situation is more common than you think, but you really have to make an effort to turn things around.

Raising children is hard on a marriage. Life’s ups and downs are hard on a marriage. Marriage is hard work, period.

There will be times when you look at your spouse and think, who the hell are you and why am I with you. Other times you will look at them and think, I’m the luckiest person in the world.

You just have to ride the waves.

It is time to have a serious talk with your wife. Things need to change. You two need to reconnect. Start with an open and honest conversation. This is not the time to blame. It’s a time to listen and learn.

The last thing you want to do is make her feel that this is all her fault.

I have worked with several couples over the last decade that have gone through the same issues. One wife came to me and explained it has been two years, six months, and three days. She was driving herself insane. It was ruining her marriage. She thought her husband was cheating or wanted a divorce, but was too afraid to ask for it.

He wasn’t cheating and he did not want a divorce. They had twin boys and both worked full-time. Life is what was happening.

We often forget to make time for our marriage. Having a family dinner together is not husband and wife time…it is family time. Spouses should schedule time together on a regular basis. Having a planned “date” is a huge psychological motivator to get through a hard week. If you work full time and have two kids, then every week is a hard week, that would benefit from a little “light at the end of the tunnel.”

Making time for the two of you, separate from anyone else, should lead to more sex and a stronger overall connection.

When was the last time you and your wife made time just for each other, on a regular basis? Even if you only have an hour a week and a few bucks to your name, you can still make it happen.

Put the kids to bed, go lay in the back yard, and just watch the stars…or whatever…you get the point.

 

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