How Do I Talk to My Wife About Our Sex?

Reader’s Question:

I’ve been married for about five years. We have two children and all is, mostly, well. My wife and I are not having enough sex and more troubling is that we don’t really talk about sex, ever.  We never talk about what we like or how we want things. We never discuss why we don’t have sex, even though its often a hot topic to start an argument. This is not about our children and the toll they can take, we know this. This is about us and how we communicate physically with one another. While we’ve never talk about sex, our sexual activity has taken a serious decline this year. It makes me wonder. Is it normal I don’t know about her sexual past and her mine?  Is it normal I don’t know her favorite position or even if I get her “there” ever? I can obviously bring this up with my wife, but I’d like some tips on how to keep bringing it up and keep the conversation out in the open. 

Great question! Yes, this is all very “normal,” but you both owe each other more.

It is common that couples don’t discuss their sexual past and it’s not like she is purposely hiding it from you. Why discuss? Do you think she is lying about something? Do you want juicy details of every man she has taken to bed? I can assure you no wife wants to hear this about her husband. The past is the past, so why allow it into the present? Who cares?!

Is the point to judge your wife based on her past? Think about why you want to know.

Dry spells in a marriage tend to make minds wander. Have faith that your partner told you anything that truly matters and leave the rest alone.

I’ve talked with hundreds of couples over the years with this same issue revolving around intimate communication. It can really hurt the physical side of your marriage, so you should speak up sooner rather than later, and so should your wife.

Make things easier and go first.

I know you say it has nothing to do with the kids, but please keep in mind that children of all ages take their toll on a marriage. Think what you like, but someday you will look back and probably realize that the children are a big issue here. I’ve been there and wish I’d have known that things would be even worse than I imagined (emotionally).

Kids are hard. Have you ever asked your wife if they children have anything to do with your lack of sex?

Maybe it’s easier for you than her right now. Two children in five years would take a toll on the best of us, so giving this perspective some deeper thought is a big recommendation. Remember, it can be hard for some parents to admit their kid is the cause of something negative

The problem with not talking about sex in your marriage is that it creates a crack in the foundation. It’s human nature to think about sex and so it must be on both your minds from time to time. The fact that you two are uncomfortable talking to each other about your intimacy should stop. Why do you think you cannot communicate your desires to your wife? Does it make you uncomfortable? Are you nervous she won’t want the same things? This is a great place to start. Why is the communication on this topic different than any other in your marriage? Figuring this out will help you to move forward.

Sex is very important to a marriage.

You’re on the right track. You know there is a problem and you are making efforts to fix it. Keep the conversation light and use “I statements.” Don’t place blame for the lack of sex or communication, just voice your concerns and your plans to break this cycle. It will be frustrating, but well worth the effort. Bringing this conversation to the table now can save your marriage a lot of sexless, sleepless nights. Just be forward and honest.

Explain to your wife that you want more sex and you’d like to discuss sexual preferences… because you want her happy and pleased. You will never be able to get her “there” if you don’t know what she likes and the same goes for her.

You are married and open to sexual exploration within your marriage! You want more sexually and that is okay. Starting this will be hard. This can bring anxiety or excitement or both, so try to be understanding.

In marriage, it is important to grow together, even when things aren’t peachy.

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