Self-Love: Take Better Care of Us!

I am dangerously close to being 40 years old, so I started washing my face!

The past couple of years have been trying ones. As I turn 38, I’m starting to realize I need to make some “late in the game” changes.

It’s funny… I’m a confident gal both inside and out. I have a great family and I obviously love my job. “First world” complaints are really all I have. However, as 38 years old gets closer, I am freaking out.

Life might be good, but damn it’s hard to get old.

Somewhere over the years, I forgot to love and care for myself. I didn’t really forget, more like didn’t make it a priority. I gave minimal effort to what I looked like and how well I took care of myself: emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I wouldn’t call this “letting myself go,” but it was close.

Now more than ever, I regret letting those bad habits continue for so long. I could blame school, work, kids, my husband, and so on. But, placing blame and making excuse helps no one.

I did this to myself and only I can fix it. Ugh…

So… Where do I start? How do I regain control?

As a relationship expert, I work with people on every aspect of their life. From love and sex to business and parenthood. I confidently lead others to find their best possible self, but how do I take my own advice?

First things first, I washed my face. This may seem weird to you, but I’ve really never bothered with it before.

So now I wash my face, daily. It’s a small thing. I’m sure you’re laughing at me, but this has taken some serious effort on my part. I actually had to set an alarm for the first two weeks as a reminder.

So, one baby step towards self-improvement. Check!

Next, I started back to the gym. I freaking hate the gym. I have exercised a bit here and there because my husband kept on talking about being healthy and some other stuff. I don’t really know. I didn’t pay much attention.

This is no longer a baby step. I have been working out five days a week for over a month now. I have also given up sugar, my only true love… sorry kids.

I’m now making actual lifestyle changes because I need to love me more. I need to be stronger and healthier and happier for me. There is no excuse not to be my best possible self. It’s all about effort. There is enough time if you make it happen.

This is my new way of life. It keeps me balanced and centered. Going to the gym in the morning helps me to start my day feeling like I’ve accomplished something for me.

For those that are unaware, I am not a moderate person. It’s all or nothing for me, no matter what. So, beyond the changes already mentioned, I focused in on smaller bad habits as well, like biting my nails.

Over the next few months, I plan to continue my journey to a happier and healthier me. I’ll learn to love me again.

If you don’t love yourself, how can you love someone else?

Self-love is very important. When you have a strong sense of who you are and your own value, you’re able to have healthier and happier relationships in your life.

Loving yourself and having self-worth is an endless process which takes effort just like any relationship. Loving yourself is a choice you make every single day. Loving yourself must be a way of life. I am working towards taking care of myself as a new habit. Loving me for me, all day, every day, because I should and I can.

What’s the point?

If you have “let yourself go,” or simply stopped making sure your needs are taken care of… for whatever reasons, make changes now!

Good luck and stay mentally tough.

Online Affairs

Reader’s Question:

 My husband and I have been married for seven years. We have two children and both work full-time. We are in our early 40’s. He has been “seeing” someone online. I caught him masturbating with her through an online site and he admitted it has been an ongoing thing but says it has no real meaning. He said they talk daily, text, and have some video sessions. Is this an affair? I am embarrassed to talk about this with anyone and don’t know what to do.

To be with someone and truly not know them at all…

Where is the man you fell in love with? There are a bunch of possible reasons why things changed. Sometimes we don’t figure it out until it’s too late.

Yes, your husbands’ online affair is cheating.

The sad truth:

Over ten percent of all affairs started online in 2017. Forty percent of those turned into offline, hands-on affairs. An online affair involves the same basic aspects as a physical affair.

Differing views on what constitutes cheating do exist. Here are some examples to help outline my personal view on what makes a cheater: 

  • Engaging in sexual talk.
  • Spending time with a person in secret.
  • Touching intimately. E.g. sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, et cetera.
  • Giving intimate gifts, money, or paying their bills
  • Online affairs. 57% of people have used the Internet to flirt. 38% of people have engaged in explicit, online, sexual conversation. 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.
  • Any form of sexual contact, including kissing.
  • Becoming emotionally involved with someone else (emotional infidelity).

I’m sorry this happened to you. You must not let this experience cause you to develop trust or anger issues. Don’t let this relationship ruin future ones. People who cheat are not worth the issues we give ourselves over it.

Trust me, I know.

A survey on cheating was conducted in 2017 by a company called Trustify. The results are worse than you want to hear, but exactly what you need to know. Trustify found that people who have cheated before are 350% more likely to cheat again, compared to those that haven’t cheated before.

Hence, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

 I’m guessing you have a pyramid of different questions building up in your mind.

Questions like:

  • Is he unhappy?
  • Does he have feelings for her?
  • Have they ever met and been actually physical?
  • Does he want to work this out?
  • Will he stop seeing her now that I know?
  • Who else knows about this?

If you want to get past this and keep your marriage, you should start by asking him any and all questions you think you need to know.

After you have his answers, take some time to process what you learned and decide if you want to stay and try, or leave and not.

Recovering the love and trust that was lost will take time. It will require high levels of emotional strength. It may not work out no matter how hard you try.

You can’t be in a marriage that causes anxiety every time he looks at his phone or tablet.

What if catching him is his “out?”

If you decide to talk this over and not just leave, prepare yourself for him to use this situation to unload his truth. He may not want to work it out.

Let’s face it… he cheated on you. This is probably it.

Remember, it’s okay for you to walk away from this all together. Call him a cheating d*&k and leave.

Life is short. Don’t spend time miserable if you can help it.

Click here for another article about infidelity you may find helpful.

I wish you the best of luck.

Most Googled Dating Questions 2017

As 2018 steadily moves forward, relationship sites everywhere focus on the past to help improve our present. There are a ton of opinions to questions that seem so basic and simple, yet must cause many people trouble according to the high number of searches. We all look to the internet for perspective and answers, but who thinks the best solution for your relationship issue is online… from a stranger… who has no details on the situation?

Some questions are pretty self-explanatory but most others could not possibly be broached without some detail and background. I am careful to not overstep my answers to reader’s when questions sent leave out many of the determining factors.

As a Matchmaker, I discuss relationship issues everyday. Most people think a matchmaker’s job is done after two people are connected, and it sometimes is. Most of the time though, a matchmaker also helps couples work out problems and stay the course.

After all, lust is easy, keeping the love is hard.

Before I give my answers to the most Googled questions of 2017, I must issue the following disclaimer:

I cannot comprehend a functional adult expecting to find useful answers to some of the vaguer questions that follow. I assume it must be Millennials.

The Most Googled Dating Questions of 2017:

How to make long-distance relationships work?

 Well, it’s not much different than a face-to-face relationship, and all the same rules apply. You have to make an effort. If money is not an issue, than you travel as much as possible to see one another. If money is an issue, you still have to make an effort, daily.

There is no reason you cannot “see” each other every single day. Skype, face-time, et cetera.

I recommend all my clients dating someone from a far set a weekly date night. Yes, an online date night. The two of you can eat dinner, watch a movie, or just sit and talk together. This little effort goes a long way.

How to change relationship status on Facebook?

It is acceptable to Google this…here’s a link:

https://www.facebook.com/help/251060974929772?helpref=faq_content

How to build trust in a relationship?

Effort and honest communication. Apply liberally. It’s really that simple.

What is a poly relationship?

Good one to Google here. It’s a relationship with more than two consenting people. Generally, everyone in the relationship knows the “relationship rules.” As long as they are followed, everyone is happy.

How to save your relationship?

Who Googles this? Save from what? Cheating? Lies? Financial woes? General Doom and Gloom?
Without more information, how is this an answerable question?

If you are Googling this question, get off the f*&cking internet and talk to your partner. Now!

What is an open relationship?

This is a relationship that follows the motto: “don’t ask, don’t tell.” You can kinda “see and do” who you want, when you want.

How to get over a relationship?

Heal through introspection, realization, and therefore, growth. Move forward with your new perspective and focus on what you could improve the next time. If you need help with this, try my self-help manual.

The Matchmaker’s Perspective – click to view.

How to get out of a toxic relationship?

We basically move on from every relationship the same way. We make a choice to end something, then put one foot in front of the other, never looking back.

How to know when your relationship is over?

If you Google “how to know when your relationship is over,” IT IS OVER!

 

Don’t forget to send me your dating and relationship questions… with detail!

The Vasectomy Lie

Reader’s Question:

My girlfriend (28 years old) and I (47 years old) have been together for about three years. For the last two years, we have been trying to have a baby. She started getting fertility treatments and going to therapy after we weren’t successful, but the truth is… I lied to her. It started off as a white lie, but things got out of control and I was just too nervous to admit the truth. This week, I finally admitted to her we can’t get pregnant because I had a vasectomy right after my divorce. She was furious and broke-up with me. How do I make this right?

I’ve actually heard this story a few times before and it always makes me sick.

Why lie to someone you love? Lying breaks trust and without trust, there is no relationship. I mean NO CHANCE, NONE!

I understand you were scared but acting out of fear caused you to be needlessly cruel to the person closest to you in life. The initial lie (I.e. withholding the fact you are snipped) was awful to enough, but to have her go through therapy and fertility treatments is perversely selfish.

You are a “monster” for that! Shame on you. You don’t deserve her and should spend the rest of your life alone.

Do this gal a favor and stay as far away from her as possible. You were a coward.

Now that you know how I/we/people feel about what you did, I will answer your question.

The answer is, you can’t. What you did is a “deal-breaker.” Don’t get your vasectomy reversed hoping to win her back. Although, she may enjoy knowing that you went through physical pain for no reason, and who can blame her? The only advice I have for you is to be a better person moving forward.

Learn that honesty really is the best policy. Being truthful with the lady you “loved” would have saved you and her so much pain.

Good luck to her.

In Case You Haven’t Heard

Just Ask Misty Podcasts are back! New Podcasts topics will include:

  • Infidelity
  • Fantasy Football
  • Vasectomy Lies
  • Women’s Empowerment Series
  • And much more!

If you haven’t heard Misty’s previous podcasts, make sure to check them out!

Listen Here

Previous Episode Topics Include:

  • Appropriate age ranges for dating.
  • When and if to tell your new partner how many people you have had sex with.
  • Misty shares 5 online dating tips for singles.
  • Misty answers 5 common dating questions.
  • Stop selling the “Girl Next Door” short… she likes dirty sex, too.
  • Misty discusses if it’s acceptable to text someone for a first date.
  • Misty discusses going “Dutch” on dates.
  • Misty answers personal questions, all about sex!

New episodes of Just Ask Misty will be available soon. Subscribe now and never miss an opinion!

Subscribe Here

Love or Lust?

Reader’s Question:

Can you please explain the difference between love and lust?

You’ve heard the expression, “love at first sight,” right? Well, contrary to popular belief, it’s actually lusting at first sight.

Lust is generally what brings people together initially, then one of two things happen. You start to develop true feelings for one another or the strong desire and attraction simply fizzle out.

Unfortunately, one person often fizzles while the other becomes attached.

Love is unconditional. Love is complicated. Love requires effort/thought. Love is commitment. Lust is strong desire. Lust needs no motivation. Lust is absent of thought. Lust is simple. Lust just happens.

Lust is like a drug. You can lust for many things. E.g. sex, money, and power. MRI scans illustrate the same area is stimulated when an addict gets a fix of cocaine or a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction.

SIGNS OF LUST

  • You only focus on physical appearance.
  • You’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations. There is no intimacy.
  • You prefer to keep things on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings. You don’t use the word relationship. There isn’t much stability. There isn’t much commitment beyond sex.
  • You experience intense neediness.
  • You are lovers, but not friends.

 

SIGNS OF LOVE

  • You want to spend quality time together outside the bedroom.
  • You have great conversation, companionship, friendship.
  • You have mutual respect for each other.
  • He or she motivates you to be a better person.
  • You want to meet his/her family and friends.
  • You think about a future together.

 

If you think those lists are obvious, good! That means you understand the difference. Hopefully, you and your partner are going in the same direction.

She Hasn’t Changed Her Relationship Status… What the F*#&book!

Readers Question:

I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year and we have just moved in together. I know this sounds really stupid, but I cannot help but feel offended that she has yet to change her relationship status on Facebook.  She is on social media every day so it’s not like she doesn’t use it or have the time. So, how long should someone date before a status change and how can I bring this up?

First, congratulations on moving in together! Second, why do you feel offended? You have been dating for a year and now you live together… I’m guessing those “friends” on Facebook already know she is taken.

So, what is it? Do you think she is keeping her options open? Do you think she’s ashamed of your relationship?

I will assume she posts pictures of the two of you, with cutesy little captions. E.g. “Me and My Love Bug!” But, I hear you, none of that matters without those words, “In a Relationship with [your name],” right?

We all know a relationship is not real until it’s announced on social media. Right? Hmm.

My concern is with you and not her on this one. Relationships take effort, honest communication, and trust. If you can’t ask her something so simple, you are either scared of her answer or scared of confrontation in general. Now that you live together, confronting her with concerns is going to be important to stay happy. If you are worried about her answer, then there is a trust issue.

There aren’t a lot of things less attractive than a man without confidence in himself and his relationship. If you want something, ask for it. If you think something is up, ask. If her answer leads you to believe she is being nefarious, leave her.

Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to relationships.

Every relationship is different.  There are people who fall in love and get married in a month. Others date for seven years before they even consider a lifetime commitment. My point is, all relationships move at a different pace. Most people change their status when relationships become exclusive. So, in your case, it would be fine to assume that you can change your status and ask her to update hers as well.

If she asks why it matters, explain your feelings. She should understand. Like you said, it’s stupid, but it matters to you.

Good luck.

Why Doesn’t He Call You Back?

As I wait for a matchmaking appointment, I start browsing some different relationship articles on Google and I came across the seven most Googled dating questions. This specific one just caught my eye: Why is he not calling me back?

The answer that is given by the author, and I will keep that person anonymous, is just plain silly. Silly is the nicest way I care to describe it. The article basically goes on to explain that the reason men don’t return your call after a date is because men just aren’t very good communicators… I call BULLSHIT. You call BULLSHIT. We all call BULLSHIT!

I immediately wonder if anyone actually believes this. I decide there is no way anyone could.

I’ve been a matchmaker and relationship coach for a decade and I can tell you with certainty, the main reason you don’t get that call is because he’s just not that into you! Yes, the movie title is accurate.

I’m sorry. I know it’s disappointing and demoralizing when you think you connect with someone and you never hear from them again, but you’re only hurting because you allowed expectations to get ahead of the actual relationship. Don’t be desperate, it really does change the way men perceive you.

Now, stop wasting your time waiting for the phone to ring because he definitely isn’t.

There are endless possibilities as to why he’s not interested– cats, teeth, bad conversation, looks, finances, career choices, family history, religion, politics, food choices, location…you get the point- but who cares! You just met this person.

Don’t sit around waiting for anyone, you deserve better. You deserve to be a priority. If you need closure, send him a quick text similar to: “Hey, haven’t heard from you. Figure you’re not interested. Take care.” Keep it short, simple, and do not attack/beg/cry or ask questions.

Like a broken record, I’ll say it time and time again… relationships take effort and effort takes time. If he doesn’t call you back it means he doesn’t want anything from you… not a relationship, not a dinner date, not even sex. Guys will communicate for sex, I’m sure of it.

Don’t pout or sit around feeling sorry for yourself, put your “dating pants” on again and get back out there, NOW!

When you meet the person who is ideal for you, “he didn’t call me back” will never be an issue.

Good luck!

 

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