Online Affairs

Reader’s Question:

 My husband and I have been married for seven years. We have two children and both work full-time. We are in our early 40’s. He has been “seeing” someone online. I caught him masturbating with her through an online site and he admitted it has been an ongoing thing but says it has no real meaning. He said they talk daily, text, and have some video sessions. Is this an affair? I am embarrassed to talk about this with anyone and don’t know what to do.

To be with someone and truly not know them at all…

Where is the man you fell in love with? There are a bunch of possible reasons why things changed. Sometimes we don’t figure it out until it’s too late.

Yes, your husbands’ online affair is cheating.

The sad truth:

Over ten percent of all affairs started online in 2017. Forty percent of those turned into offline, hands-on affairs. An online affair involves the same basic aspects as a physical affair.

Differing views on what constitutes cheating do exist. Here are some examples to help outline my personal view on what makes a cheater: 

  • Engaging in sexual talk.
  • Spending time with a person in secret.
  • Touching intimately. E.g. sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, et cetera.
  • Giving intimate gifts, money, or paying their bills
  • Online affairs. 57% of people have used the Internet to flirt. 38% of people have engaged in explicit, online, sexual conversation. 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.
  • Any form of sexual contact, including kissing.
  • Becoming emotionally involved with someone else (emotional infidelity).

I’m sorry this happened to you. You must not let this experience cause you to develop trust or anger issues. Don’t let this relationship ruin future ones. People who cheat are not worth the issues we give ourselves over it.

Trust me, I know.

A survey on cheating was conducted in 2017 by a company called Trustify. The results are worse than you want to hear, but exactly what you need to know. Trustify found that people who have cheated before are 350% more likely to cheat again, compared to those that haven’t cheated before.

Hence, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

 I’m guessing you have a pyramid of different questions building up in your mind.

Questions like:

  • Is he unhappy?
  • Does he have feelings for her?
  • Have they ever met and been actually physical?
  • Does he want to work this out?
  • Will he stop seeing her now that I know?
  • Who else knows about this?

If you want to get past this and keep your marriage, you should start by asking him any and all questions you think you need to know.

After you have his answers, take some time to process what you learned and decide if you want to stay and try, or leave and not.

Recovering the love and trust that was lost will take time. It will require high levels of emotional strength. It may not work out no matter how hard you try.

You can’t be in a marriage that causes anxiety every time he looks at his phone or tablet.

What if catching him is his “out?”

If you decide to talk this over and not just leave, prepare yourself for him to use this situation to unload his truth. He may not want to work it out.

Let’s face it… he cheated on you. This is probably it.

Remember, it’s okay for you to walk away from this all together. Call him a cheating d*&k and leave.

Life is short. Don’t spend time miserable if you can help it.

Click here for another article about infidelity you may find helpful.

I wish you the best of luck.

Most Googled Dating Questions 2017

As 2018 steadily moves forward, relationship sites everywhere focus on the past to help improve our present. There are a ton of opinions to questions that seem so basic and simple, yet must cause many people trouble according to the high number of searches. We all look to the internet for perspective and answers, but who thinks the best solution for your relationship issue is online… from a stranger… who has no details on the situation?

Some questions are pretty self-explanatory but most others could not possibly be broached without some detail and background. I am careful to not overstep my answers to reader’s when questions sent leave out many of the determining factors.

As a Matchmaker, I discuss relationship issues everyday. Most people think a matchmaker’s job is done after two people are connected, and it sometimes is. Most of the time though, a matchmaker also helps couples work out problems and stay the course.

After all, lust is easy, keeping the love is hard.

Before I give my answers to the most Googled questions of 2017, I must issue the following disclaimer:

I cannot comprehend a functional adult expecting to find useful answers to some of the vaguer questions that follow. I assume it must be Millennials.

The Most Googled Dating Questions of 2017:

How to make long-distance relationships work?

 Well, it’s not much different than a face-to-face relationship, and all the same rules apply. You have to make an effort. If money is not an issue, than you travel as much as possible to see one another. If money is an issue, you still have to make an effort, daily.

There is no reason you cannot “see” each other every single day. Skype, face-time, et cetera.

I recommend all my clients dating someone from a far set a weekly date night. Yes, an online date night. The two of you can eat dinner, watch a movie, or just sit and talk together. This little effort goes a long way.

How to change relationship status on Facebook?

It is acceptable to Google this…here’s a link:

https://www.facebook.com/help/251060974929772?helpref=faq_content

How to build trust in a relationship?

Effort and honest communication. Apply liberally. It’s really that simple.

What is a poly relationship?

Good one to Google here. It’s a relationship with more than two consenting people. Generally, everyone in the relationship knows the “relationship rules.” As long as they are followed, everyone is happy.

How to save your relationship?

Who Googles this? Save from what? Cheating? Lies? Financial woes? General Doom and Gloom?
Without more information, how is this an answerable question?

If you are Googling this question, get off the f*&cking internet and talk to your partner. Now!

What is an open relationship?

This is a relationship that follows the motto: “don’t ask, don’t tell.” You can kinda “see and do” who you want, when you want.

How to get over a relationship?

Heal through introspection, realization, and therefore, growth. Move forward with your new perspective and focus on what you could improve the next time. If you need help with this, try my self-help manual.

The Matchmaker’s Perspective – click to view.

How to get out of a toxic relationship?

We basically move on from every relationship the same way. We make a choice to end something, then put one foot in front of the other, never looking back.

How to know when your relationship is over?

If you Google “how to know when your relationship is over,” IT IS OVER!

 

Don’t forget to send me your dating and relationship questions… with detail!

The Vasectomy Lie

Reader’s Question:

My girlfriend (28 years old) and I (47 years old) have been together for about three years. For the last two years, we have been trying to have a baby. She started getting fertility treatments and going to therapy after we weren’t successful, but the truth is… I lied to her. It started off as a white lie, but things got out of control and I was just too nervous to admit the truth. This week, I finally admitted to her we can’t get pregnant because I had a vasectomy right after my divorce. She was furious and broke-up with me. How do I make this right?

I’ve actually heard this story a few times before and it always makes me sick.

Why lie to someone you love? Lying breaks trust and without trust, there is no relationship. I mean NO CHANCE, NONE!

I understand you were scared but acting out of fear caused you to be needlessly cruel to the person closest to you in life. The initial lie (I.e. withholding the fact you are snipped) was awful to enough, but to have her go through therapy and fertility treatments is perversely selfish.

You are a “monster” for that! Shame on you. You don’t deserve her and should spend the rest of your life alone.

Do this gal a favor and stay as far away from her as possible. You were a coward.

Now that you know how I/we/people feel about what you did, I will answer your question.

The answer is, you can’t. What you did is a “deal-breaker.” Don’t get your vasectomy reversed hoping to win her back. Although, she may enjoy knowing that you went through physical pain for no reason, and who can blame her? The only advice I have for you is to be a better person moving forward.

Learn that honesty really is the best policy. Being truthful with the lady you “loved” would have saved you and her so much pain.

Good luck to her.

In Case You Haven’t Heard

Just Ask Misty Podcasts are back! New Podcasts topics will include:

  • Infidelity
  • Fantasy Football
  • Vasectomy Lies
  • Women’s Empowerment Series
  • And much more!

If you haven’t heard Misty’s previous podcasts, make sure to check them out!

Listen Here

Previous Episode Topics Include:

  • Appropriate age ranges for dating.
  • When and if to tell your new partner how many people you have had sex with.
  • Misty shares 5 online dating tips for singles.
  • Misty answers 5 common dating questions.
  • Stop selling the “Girl Next Door” short… she likes dirty sex, too.
  • Misty discusses if it’s acceptable to text someone for a first date.
  • Misty discusses going “Dutch” on dates.
  • Misty answers personal questions, all about sex!

New episodes of Just Ask Misty will be available soon. Subscribe now and never miss an opinion!

Subscribe Here

Love or Lust?

Reader’s Question:

Can you please explain the difference between love and lust?

You’ve heard the expression, “love at first sight,” right? Well, contrary to popular belief, it’s actually lusting at first sight.

Lust is generally what brings people together initially, then one of two things happen. You start to develop true feelings for one another or the strong desire and attraction simply fizzle out.

Unfortunately, one person often fizzles while the other becomes attached.

Love is unconditional. Love is complicated. Love requires effort/thought. Love is commitment. Lust is strong desire. Lust needs no motivation. Lust is absent of thought. Lust is simple. Lust just happens.

Lust is like a drug. You can lust for many things. E.g. sex, money, and power. MRI scans illustrate the same area is stimulated when an addict gets a fix of cocaine or a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction.

SIGNS OF LUST

  • You only focus on physical appearance.
  • You’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations. There is no intimacy.
  • You prefer to keep things on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings. You don’t use the word relationship. There isn’t much stability. There isn’t much commitment beyond sex.
  • You experience intense neediness.
  • You are lovers, but not friends.

 

SIGNS OF LOVE

  • You want to spend quality time together outside the bedroom.
  • You have great conversation, companionship, friendship.
  • You have mutual respect for each other.
  • He or she motivates you to be a better person.
  • You want to meet his/her family and friends.
  • You think about a future together.

 

If you think those lists are obvious, good! That means you understand the difference. Hopefully, you and your partner are going in the same direction.

She Hasn’t Changed Her Relationship Status… What the F*#&book!

Readers Question:

I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year and we have just moved in together. I know this sounds really stupid, but I cannot help but feel offended that she has yet to change her relationship status on Facebook.  She is on social media every day so it’s not like she doesn’t use it or have the time. So, how long should someone date before a status change and how can I bring this up?

First, congratulations on moving in together! Second, why do you feel offended? You have been dating for a year and now you live together… I’m guessing those “friends” on Facebook already know she is taken.

So, what is it? Do you think she is keeping her options open? Do you think she’s ashamed of your relationship?

I will assume she posts pictures of the two of you, with cutesy little captions. E.g. “Me and My Love Bug!” But, I hear you, none of that matters without those words, “In a Relationship with [your name],” right?

We all know a relationship is not real until it’s announced on social media. Right? Hmm.

My concern is with you and not her on this one. Relationships take effort, honest communication, and trust. If you can’t ask her something so simple, you are either scared of her answer or scared of confrontation in general. Now that you live together, confronting her with concerns is going to be important to stay happy. If you are worried about her answer, then there is a trust issue.

There aren’t a lot of things less attractive than a man without confidence in himself and his relationship. If you want something, ask for it. If you think something is up, ask. If her answer leads you to believe she is being nefarious, leave her.

Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to relationships.

Every relationship is different.  There are people who fall in love and get married in a month. Others date for seven years before they even consider a lifetime commitment. My point is, all relationships move at a different pace. Most people change their status when relationships become exclusive. So, in your case, it would be fine to assume that you can change your status and ask her to update hers as well.

If she asks why it matters, explain your feelings. She should understand. Like you said, it’s stupid, but it matters to you.

Good luck.

Why Doesn’t He Call You Back?

As I wait for a matchmaking appointment, I start browsing some different relationship articles on Google and I came across the seven most Googled dating questions. This specific one just caught my eye: Why is he not calling me back?

The answer that is given by the author, and I will keep that person anonymous, is just plain silly. Silly is the nicest way I care to describe it. The article basically goes on to explain that the reason men don’t return your call after a date is because men just aren’t very good communicators… I call BULLSHIT. You call BULLSHIT. We all call BULLSHIT!

I immediately wonder if anyone actually believes this. I decide there is no way anyone could.

I’ve been a matchmaker and relationship coach for a decade and I can tell you with certainty, the main reason you don’t get that call is because he’s just not that into you! Yes, the movie title is accurate.

I’m sorry. I know it’s disappointing and demoralizing when you think you connect with someone and you never hear from them again, but you’re only hurting because you allowed expectations to get ahead of the actual relationship. Don’t be desperate, it really does change the way men perceive you.

Now, stop wasting your time waiting for the phone to ring because he definitely isn’t.

There are endless possibilities as to why he’s not interested– cats, teeth, bad conversation, looks, finances, career choices, family history, religion, politics, food choices, location…you get the point- but who cares! You just met this person.

Don’t sit around waiting for anyone, you deserve better. You deserve to be a priority. If you need closure, send him a quick text similar to: “Hey, haven’t heard from you. Figure you’re not interested. Take care.” Keep it short, simple, and do not attack/beg/cry or ask questions.

Like a broken record, I’ll say it time and time again… relationships take effort and effort takes time. If he doesn’t call you back it means he doesn’t want anything from you… not a relationship, not a dinner date, not even sex. Guys will communicate for sex, I’m sure of it.

Don’t pout or sit around feeling sorry for yourself, put your “dating pants” on again and get back out there, NOW!

When you meet the person who is ideal for you, “he didn’t call me back” will never be an issue.

Good luck!

 

Spring Fever Taketh and Giveth Back

The Spring season is undoubtedly pretty and full of life. Warmer weather, green grass, and blue skies lure us outside and into less clothing. Less clothing often excites the senses. Excited senses often make rash decisions…

Spring Fever is real and it causes break up after break up every year. If you get dumped as the snow and cold recede, try and use the following advise to get through with your dignity intact.

And always remember Seneca’s (and later Semisonic, of course) words,” Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

Here are some handy tips to deal with your break-up:

DON’T TEXT

Do both of you a favor and block the “dumper’s” number. So much goes wrong in a text message. There’s no feeling, just words. Things easily get out of hand.

DON’T POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA

No one wants to hear about your break up and it’s really immature to post personal matters like that online. Grow up and move forward.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME

Date, date, and date some more. Give yourself time to find the right partner instead of being desperate and attaching to the first person who is nice to you. Use this time to reflect on what could have been done differently. Think about what you bring to the “relationship table” and what you gained from this experience. Grow as an individual and as a partner. All relationships take work, even the one with yourself.

Most importantly, just because it wasn’t your choice to be single, the fact is you are… so you might as well feel that Spring Fever like your ex clearly does.

Have fun!

PSA: First Date Conversation

As a relationship expert, I do a lot of coaching. I constantly hear he/she did not bother to ask anything (on a date) about me, except my age, marital history, and income.

A first date can be uncomfortable, especially if you arrive with a bad attitude or don’t even attempt to give the other person a chance. However, if you can walk into a first date with a great attitude and no expectations, things will go much smoother… this is actually true with everything in life!

During a first date, both people are supposed to use this time to get to know one another a little better. The keyword here is …BOTH… but at least seventy percent of the time this doesn’t happen.

We’ve all been on that date when one person is so self-absorbed that they spend the entire time talking about themselves, what they have, where they have been, or who they know. (This is a RED flag)

FYI: If a first date conversation includes: Can you show me photos of your ex’s? How much money do you make? How big is your house? How many cars do you have?… RUN! Don’t waste your time lecturing an adult with poor priorities, just leave.

So, today I want to set the record straight with a few extremely basic guidelines:

  1. Remember, a first date is also the first impression, and first dates are inherently awkward. Which means the first impression may not be so great, either. As long as the person seems nice enough, you share some basic interests, and there is some chemistry, try for date number two. On your second date, things are generally way more comfortable and you can really get a better idea of who someone is.
  2. Always go with your gut. If you go out on a first date and leave with the feeling that something is just not right (i.e your instincts are warning you, not a superficial judgment), then maybe just move on to someone that doesn’t make you uncomfortable to be around. Don’t waste time here…
  3. Ask questions, appropriate questions, and lots of them! Ask about interests, life goals, family, pets, favorite foods, or television shows. Ask about holidays, culture, and even if they enjoy their career. Don’t talk about break-ups, divorces, finances, how you want a baby by date three, or anything else that you would not disclose to a total stranger. Use this time to get to know someone and allow them to get to know you. This is NOT an interview and should be fun and relaxing.
  4. Lastly, please stop with the games. There is no winner when this happens. Grow up. If you don’t want a second date, say it. If you like someone, tell them. If you want a second date, ask right away. Don’t wait around because you don’t want to seem too excited or desperate. Pick up the damn phone and call.

“The early bird gets the amazing relationship!”

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