The Vasectomy Lie

Reader’s Question:

My girlfriend (28 years old) and I (47 years old) have been together for about three years. For the last two years, we have been trying to have a baby. She started getting fertility treatments and going to therapy after we weren’t successful, but the truth is… I lied to her. It started off as a white lie, but things got out of control and I was just too nervous to admit the truth. This week, I finally admitted to her we can’t get pregnant because I had a vasectomy right after my divorce. She was furious and broke-up with me. How do I make this right?

I’ve actually heard this story a few times before and it always makes me sick.

Why lie to someone you love? Lying breaks trust and without trust, there is no relationship. I mean NO CHANCE, NONE!

I understand you were scared but acting out of fear caused you to be needlessly cruel to the person closest to you in life. The initial lie (I.e. withholding the fact you are snipped) was awful to enough, but to have her go through therapy and fertility treatments is perversely selfish.

You are a “monster” for that! Shame on you. You don’t deserve her and should spend the rest of your life alone.

Do this gal a favor and stay as far away from her as possible. You were a coward.

Now that you know how I/we/people feel about what you did, I will answer your question.

The answer is, you can’t. What you did is a “deal-breaker.” Don’t get your vasectomy reversed hoping to win her back. Although, she may enjoy knowing that you went through physical pain for no reason, and who can blame her? The only advice I have for you is to be a better person moving forward.

Learn that honesty really is the best policy. Being truthful with the lady you “loved” would have saved you and her so much pain.

Good luck to her.

In Case You Haven’t Heard

Just Ask Misty Podcasts are back! New Podcasts topics will include:

  • Infidelity
  • Fantasy Football
  • Vasectomy Lies
  • Women’s Empowerment Series
  • And much more!

If you haven’t heard Misty’s previous podcasts, make sure to check them out!

Listen Here

Previous Episode Topics Include:

  • Appropriate age ranges for dating.
  • When and if to tell your new partner how many people you have had sex with.
  • Misty shares 5 online dating tips for singles.
  • Misty answers 5 common dating questions.
  • Stop selling the “Girl Next Door” short… she likes dirty sex, too.
  • Misty discusses if it’s acceptable to text someone for a first date.
  • Misty discusses going “Dutch” on dates.
  • Misty answers personal questions, all about sex!

New episodes of Just Ask Misty will be available soon. Subscribe now and never miss an opinion!

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Love or Lust?

Reader’s Question:

Can you please explain the difference between love and lust?

You’ve heard the expression, “love at first sight,” right? Well, contrary to popular belief, it’s actually lusting at first sight.

Lust is generally what brings people together initially, then one of two things happen. You start to develop true feelings for one another or the strong desire and attraction simply fizzle out.

Unfortunately, one person often fizzles while the other becomes attached.

Love is unconditional. Love is complicated. Love requires effort/thought. Love is commitment. Lust is strong desire. Lust needs no motivation. Lust is absent of thought. Lust is simple. Lust just happens.

Lust is like a drug. You can lust for many things. E.g. sex, money, and power. MRI scans illustrate the same area is stimulated when an addict gets a fix of cocaine or a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction.

SIGNS OF LUST

  • You only focus on physical appearance.
  • You’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations. There is no intimacy.
  • You prefer to keep things on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings. You don’t use the word relationship. There isn’t much stability. There isn’t much commitment beyond sex.
  • You experience intense neediness.
  • You are lovers, but not friends.

 

SIGNS OF LOVE

  • You want to spend quality time together outside the bedroom.
  • You have great conversation, companionship, friendship.
  • You have mutual respect for each other.
  • He or she motivates you to be a better person.
  • You want to meet his/her family and friends.
  • You think about a future together.

 

If you think those lists are obvious, good! That means you understand the difference. Hopefully, you and your partner are going in the same direction.

She Hasn’t Changed Her Relationship Status… What the F*#&book!

Readers Question:

I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year and we have just moved in together. I know this sounds really stupid, but I cannot help but feel offended that she has yet to change her relationship status on Facebook.  She is on social media every day so it’s not like she doesn’t use it or have the time. So, how long should someone date before a status change and how can I bring this up?

First, congratulations on moving in together! Second, why do you feel offended? You have been dating for a year and now you live together… I’m guessing those “friends” on Facebook already know she is taken.

So, what is it? Do you think she is keeping her options open? Do you think she’s ashamed of your relationship?

I will assume she posts pictures of the two of you, with cutesy little captions. E.g. “Me and My Love Bug!” But, I hear you, none of that matters without those words, “In a Relationship with [your name],” right?

We all know a relationship is not real until it’s announced on social media. Right? Hmm.

My concern is with you and not her on this one. Relationships take effort, honest communication, and trust. If you can’t ask her something so simple, you are either scared of her answer or scared of confrontation in general. Now that you live together, confronting her with concerns is going to be important to stay happy. If you are worried about her answer, then there is a trust issue.

There aren’t a lot of things less attractive than a man without confidence in himself and his relationship. If you want something, ask for it. If you think something is up, ask. If her answer leads you to believe she is being nefarious, leave her.

Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to relationships.

Every relationship is different.  There are people who fall in love and get married in a month. Others date for seven years before they even consider a lifetime commitment. My point is, all relationships move at a different pace. Most people change their status when relationships become exclusive. So, in your case, it would be fine to assume that you can change your status and ask her to update hers as well.

If she asks why it matters, explain your feelings. She should understand. Like you said, it’s stupid, but it matters to you.

Good luck.

Why Doesn’t He Call You Back?

As I wait for a matchmaking appointment, I start browsing some different relationship articles on Google and I came across the seven most Googled dating questions. This specific one just caught my eye: Why is he not calling me back?

The answer that is given by the author, and I will keep that person anonymous, is just plain silly. Silly is the nicest way I care to describe it. The article basically goes on to explain that the reason men don’t return your call after a date is because men just aren’t very good communicators… I call BULLSHIT. You call BULLSHIT. We all call BULLSHIT!

I immediately wonder if anyone actually believes this. I decide there is no way anyone could.

I’ve been a matchmaker and relationship coach for a decade and I can tell you with certainty, the main reason you don’t get that call is because he’s just not that into you! Yes, the movie title is accurate.

I’m sorry. I know it’s disappointing and demoralizing when you think you connect with someone and you never hear from them again, but you’re only hurting because you allowed expectations to get ahead of the actual relationship. Don’t be desperate, it really does change the way men perceive you.

Now, stop wasting your time waiting for the phone to ring because he definitely isn’t.

There are endless possibilities as to why he’s not interested– cats, teeth, bad conversation, looks, finances, career choices, family history, religion, politics, food choices, location…you get the point- but who cares! You just met this person.

Don’t sit around waiting for anyone, you deserve better. You deserve to be a priority. If you need closure, send him a quick text similar to: “Hey, haven’t heard from you. Figure you’re not interested. Take care.” Keep it short, simple, and do not attack/beg/cry or ask questions.

Like a broken record, I’ll say it time and time again… relationships take effort and effort takes time. If he doesn’t call you back it means he doesn’t want anything from you… not a relationship, not a dinner date, not even sex. Guys will communicate for sex, I’m sure of it.

Don’t pout or sit around feeling sorry for yourself, put your “dating pants” on again and get back out there, NOW!

When you meet the person who is ideal for you, “he didn’t call me back” will never be an issue.

Good luck!

 

Spring Fever Taketh and Giveth Back

The Spring season is undoubtedly pretty and full of life. Warmer weather, green grass, and blue skies lure us outside and into less clothing. Less clothing often excites the senses. Excited senses often make rash decisions…

Spring Fever is real and it causes break up after break up every year. If you get dumped as the snow and cold recede, try and use the following advise to get through with your dignity intact.

And always remember Seneca’s (and later Semisonic, of course) words,” Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

Here are some handy tips to deal with your break-up:

DON’T TEXT

Do both of you a favor and block the “dumper’s” number. So much goes wrong in a text message. There’s no feeling, just words. Things easily get out of hand.

DON’T POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA

No one wants to hear about your break up and it’s really immature to post personal matters like that online. Grow up and move forward.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME

Date, date, and date some more. Give yourself time to find the right partner instead of being desperate and attaching to the first person who is nice to you. Use this time to reflect on what could have been done differently. Think about what you bring to the “relationship table” and what you gained from this experience. Grow as an individual and as a partner. All relationships take work, even the one with yourself.

Most importantly, just because it wasn’t your choice to be single, the fact is you are… so you might as well feel that Spring Fever like your ex clearly does.

Have fun!

PSA: First Date Conversation

As a relationship expert, I do a lot of coaching. I constantly hear he/she did not bother to ask anything (on a date) about me, except my age, marital history, and income.

A first date can be uncomfortable, especially if you arrive with a bad attitude or don’t even attempt to give the other person a chance. However, if you can walk into a first date with a great attitude and no expectations, things will go much smoother… this is actually true with everything in life!

During a first date, both people are supposed to use this time to get to know one another a little better. The keyword here is …BOTH… but at least seventy percent of the time this doesn’t happen.

We’ve all been on that date when one person is so self-absorbed that they spend the entire time talking about themselves, what they have, where they have been, or who they know. (This is a RED flag)

FYI: If a first date conversation includes: Can you show me photos of your ex’s? How much money do you make? How big is your house? How many cars do you have?… RUN! Don’t waste your time lecturing an adult with poor priorities, just leave.

So, today I want to set the record straight with a few extremely basic guidelines:

  1. Remember, a first date is also the first impression, and first dates are inherently awkward. Which means the first impression may not be so great, either. As long as the person seems nice enough, you share some basic interests, and there is some chemistry, try for date number two. On your second date, things are generally way more comfortable and you can really get a better idea of who someone is.
  2. Always go with your gut. If you go out on a first date and leave with the feeling that something is just not right (i.e your instincts are warning you, not a superficial judgment), then maybe just move on to someone that doesn’t make you uncomfortable to be around. Don’t waste time here…
  3. Ask questions, appropriate questions, and lots of them! Ask about interests, life goals, family, pets, favorite foods, or television shows. Ask about holidays, culture, and even if they enjoy their career. Don’t talk about break-ups, divorces, finances, how you want a baby by date three, or anything else that you would not disclose to a total stranger. Use this time to get to know someone and allow them to get to know you. This is NOT an interview and should be fun and relaxing.
  4. Lastly, please stop with the games. There is no winner when this happens. Grow up. If you don’t want a second date, say it. If you like someone, tell them. If you want a second date, ask right away. Don’t wait around because you don’t want to seem too excited or desperate. Pick up the damn phone and call.

“The early bird gets the amazing relationship!”

I Don’t Want to Make my Parent’s Mistake

Reader’s Question:

I’m a senior in high school. I am considering if I should start college next year or not. Both my parents want me to go to college. My problem is that I really don’t like school. Both of my parents went to college and it didn’t do much for them. They both still work long weeks and we are not broke, but things still get tight. If college didn’t help to improve their finances, then what’s the point of wasting all that time and money for nothing? College is very expensive. I work to make money and I don’t think I need college to do what I want in life. I’d like to be a chef and own a few restaurants one day and for that, I need experience, not education, correct? How can I help my parents to understand that I don’t want to make their mistake?

Incorrect! You need both.

I wish you were the neighbor’s kid so I could hunt you down and give you a good talking!

Please, try not to be offended… you truly have no idea what you’re talking about. That is okay though, the next stage in your life will be a lot of lessons and learning.

EDUCATION IS VITAL TO YOUR SUCCESS!

Lucky for you, you already know what you want to go to college for and culinary school’s exist!

If you want to be a chef and own a restaurant, you need to attend culinary school. You should also have spoken to a career or college counselor about this, as you clearly did not know culinary school’s offer 4-year degrees. Culinary school degree programs cover basic professional writing and business skills, which are needed to be successful in your extremely competitive industry.  Running a business is not all common sense, you must learn first. Or, you will fail!

You must learn from the best. You must surround yourself with those much more experienced than you. Why make a mistake someone else has already learned from? You want to do things the smart way? Learn from others and trust their experience.

You need college. How do you plan to be a chef and own your own restaurant if you don’t know squat about running a business or cooking at a high level? Are you going to work your way up from washing dishes at a fancy restaurant with the hopes that they let you peel carrots after a year? Does that sound better than going to college?

Also, if you think your parents work long weeks as professionals, wait until you work all hours of the night as a cook… all weekend long, and on holidays.

Do you think a bank is going to give a cook that makes $12/hr with no education or financial leverage a loan for that restaurant? How will you manage the front of the house if you’ve ever only known the line? Who will handle your payroll, taxes, vendor invoices, budgets, and sales forecasts? You won’t be qualified to do so with no college degree or administrative experience?

Lastly, your parents did not make a mistake by going to college. College is never a mistake. You show your age by making such comments. Most middle-class families (with a college education) still have a hard time financially. You have no clue how much harder life would be without both parents having higher education. If your parents had no degrees and worked restaurant jobs, waiting tables to get by, you would be in the first college class that let you in!

College does not guarantee success, true. Success is up to the individual. Did you know a college degree usually means you will make at least one million dollars more throughout life?… that makes it worth the $50k (or higher) price tag.

Be grateful your parents are pushing you to better yourself, not many kids have that support at home these days.

Knowledge is power… and you will need every bit of power to make a nice life for yourself.

Start looking into culinary schools that offer 4-year degrees and thank your parents for supporting your future at a higher education organization. They want what’s best for you and that’s not slinging burgers for the rest of your life.

Am I a Bad Mom?

Reader’s Question:

 My best friend and I are both pregnant! She has two other children and this will be my second. She is a natural mother and loves being pregnant. She never complains and I have never heard her raise her voice to either her children or her husband. She’s perfect. I scream and yell, cry and complain. I hate being pregnant and while I don’t mind the kids, I do count the days until they will be able to wipe their own butt. I’m tired and just so done with it all and she wakes up each day ready to take it head-on, with neat, well-behaved children attached to the hip. Why can’t I feel more like her? Am I a bad mom for wishing their time with me away?

I laughed as I read this for the second and third time. You are not alone. There are many women who experience the same feelings about pregnancy and parenting as you.

I have two children and I can honestly say that I hated almost every moment that I was pregnant. I cannot remember a moment in either pregnancy where I thought, WOW I AM FREAKING LOVING THIS!

Most women I talk to feel that same way. Pregnancy is not for everyone. It’s fine to not love it, but try to stay positive as it will be over soon and you can choose to never do it again.

Every parent I know is, or has been waiting for the day their children leave home to venture out on their own. Raising children is hard work and takes immense efforts. It’s hard for you. It’s hard for your husband. It’s hard for the children. It’s hard on your marriage.

It’s hard… so any reasonable person, from time to time… will daydream. I do this multiple times a day. Shoot, I took a break writing this just to daydream a bit! Imagine the day you finally get to do anything you want! The day with no chance of butt wiping, teething, soccer games, concerts, school lines, sick days, snow days, bad grades, periods, cell phones, social media, bullying… it’s endless.

The point is, what you feel is normal. Even when things are going “great” and seem “easy” and you still feel like you want them gone, that’s normal too! Being a parent is hard work and we struggle every single day.

Just breathe, this time will be over before you know it (ish).

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