Am I too Old to “Sport F&#k?”

Reader’s Question:

 I’m in my early 50’s, wealthy, and single. I travel often and meet a lot of women. I “sleep” with a lot of them. I don’t know why, it just happens for one reason or another. Am I too old for this “sport f*#&ing?”

So, you like to have casual sex, eh?

Fun Fact:

The term “sport fucking” was first recorded by Playboy in 1968 during a Paul Newman interview.

Fun Fact #2:

Age is just a number!

Not Fun Fact:

Massive amounts of sexual partners increase your chance of unhealthy consequences.

But, you knew all that. Especially the last one.

The point is, you’re self-conscious about your personal life being socially frowned upon. I understand and think it’s healthy to consider outside perspectives.

My opinion stays the same: If you and the other “athlete” are both getting what you want out of this form of relationship, good for you two.

Some people are never drawn to a committed relationship. Some feel happier and perfectly content being single. These people truly don’t want to see someone every single day. They want to come and go as they please, be free of responsibility and the inevitable drama that’s inherent in any relationship. Any relationship that lasts more than a dinner and some “game” time, of course.

This should come as no surprise, but relationships don’t always equal happiness.

All of this goes for lady “sport fuckers,” too. Don’t get me wrong, you’re both sluts, but you’re not bad people.

We all need and want different things. As long as your partner is single, have fun.

Warning! Danger!

Besides the health concerns, you better be sure your fellow “sport fucker” fully understands the rules of the game. This isn’t the start of something new.

Also, this could get tiresome, you are in your 50’s. Most people want a companion to live out our elder years with. You’ll probably want the same at some point.

I work with single, wealthy men every day. These guys are offered their fair share of sex, just like you. Here’s what I’ve seen happen: At some point, women will look at you and think you’re creepy, old, and pathetic.

Just like young, beautiful “trophy wives” have a window of opportunity to find their ideal partner… older, wealthy men can only catch that “prize” for so long.

Just remember, if you ever want more, “jump on” your options while you still have them.

Have fun!

Weddings: Does Size Really Matter?

Reader’s Question:

Thank you, Misty. You matched me with the man of my dreams and we recently became engaged. It’s been a wonderful fairy tale. I’m so in love. He has been married before. I have not. My concern is that I want to keep things small, informal, and private for the wedding. I know his style will be the opposite. I don’t have a lot of friends or family, nor do I want to stress on the best day of my life. I’d rather have a very private wedding with immediate family. Perhaps a party to celebrate after. Is it selfish of me to make this request?

Congratulations! I am very happy for you guys… told you he was the perfect match. (Man, I’m awesome.) No, this does not make you selfish.

I trust you are correct in assuming he will desire large and lavish. So, while he shouldn’t feel you’re being selfish, he may simply not agree.

Welcome to marriage… where there is no true right or wrong most of the time, just two people who want/feel/think different things.

This aspect of marriage can be a real son-of-a-bitch! 

So, have the conversation, because all you can do is speculate and worry without knowing how he will react. I do not think this being your first marriage and his second really matters, here. I don’t think it’s fair to start using his past as an excuse for the present. Be honest and hopefully he understands. Your concerns are common for the situation.

What if he doesn’t budge?

There is a chance he says you’re just being nervous about getting up in front of people and you’re worried because most of the guests will be his. These assessments are true, of course. Plus, making yourself uncomfortable is a good growing experience, as it is for us all. I think most people are uncomfortable on their wedding day, but I’m with you. Who cares what most people do?

Compromise… blah, blah, blah

Unless your fiance is immediately understanding and puts your wants over his, a compromise will be needed. I’m sure he can keep some things more low-key for you and you could agree to some aspects being planned with more showmanship involved.

Marriage requires the ultimate give and take.

Have fun and good luck!

Dating After Divorce

Reader’s Question:

 My husband and I met in college. We dated on and off for six years before getting married and having two children (ages 7 and 3). After about seven years of marriage, we decided to get a divorce. We have been separated for about six months and I’m wondering when it is acceptable for me to date again. What are the rules here? I don’t want to be judged by others. How do I tell my children that mommy is lonely and wants to find someone special? I feel so guilty about all of this. Any ideas?

I’m sorry to hear about your impending divorce. Thirteen years with someone is no short journey. I hope you both work hard and try to keep things on good terms for the children. I hope you both come out better for this on the other side. Even though you are no longer married, if civility is possible, you must remain a “family unit” for the kids.

I realize the above had nothing to do with your question, but focusing on the kid’s well-being through this transition is vital. Your dating and sex life, not so much.

Short answer: There are no rules for how long to wait.

More important answer: You do not tell a three or seven-year-old any of those thoughts and feelings.

I’m all for discussing life in an honest way with kids, but don’t put your shit on your children. Your adult life is not a toddler or seven-year-olds business. It certainly isn’t their job to make you feel good and supported while finding romantic partners to replace their dad.

In my opinion, you can start dating when you feel ready emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Consider: If you fell in love, would you have reservations about committing so soon after divorce?

This timing is different for everyone. Maybe your marriage has been over for a long time before the actual divorce, so you’ve grieved and healed already. Maybe things happened quickly and you’re an emotional wreck, but you crave being physically close to someone.

Please, consider others feelings, here. You don’t want to find someone great and have them fall in love with only to ruin it because emotionally, you are still drained from divorce.

Take your time. Breathe. When you feel healthy and balanced… you’ll be ready.

Who cares what anyone else thinks? Live your life knowing you made the best decision for you and those you love. Judgments from afar are almost always wrong.

Dating with children is hard and should be performed with caution.

I am not a family therapist. My opinions are based on personal and professional experiences. You can/should always call your children’s pediatrician and get their advice.

So…

Common sense dictates your children be left out of any dating matters. You are allowed adult time, which is private time. It is none of their business.

If things get serious:

When you do find a special person and the dating turns into a relationship, it may be time to let your kids know about your “new friend.” If the person is around for a while, the kids will slowly learn that he is a special friend. Slow is the key.

Do not welcome a boyfriend into your kid’s life unless it is a serious relationship. You must never show your kids a revolving door of men… if that is your style, of course.

The dating scene has changed over the past 13 years, so try and have fun. When you’re ready to get out there, put your best foot forward.

Good luck!

Online Affairs

Reader’s Question:

 My husband and I have been married for seven years. We have two children and both work full-time. We are in our early 40’s. He has been “seeing” someone online. I caught him masturbating with her through an online site and he admitted it has been an ongoing thing but says it has no real meaning. He said they talk daily, text, and have some video sessions. Is this an affair? I am embarrassed to talk about this with anyone and don’t know what to do.

To be with someone and truly not know them at all…

Where is the man you fell in love with? There are a bunch of possible reasons why things changed. Sometimes we don’t figure it out until it’s too late.

Yes, your husbands’ online affair is cheating.

The sad truth:

Over ten percent of all affairs started online in 2017. Forty percent of those turned into offline, hands-on affairs. An online affair involves the same basic aspects as a physical affair.

Differing views on what constitutes cheating do exist. Here are some examples to help outline my personal view on what makes a cheater: 

  • Engaging in sexual talk.
  • Spending time with a person in secret.
  • Touching intimately. E.g. sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, et cetera.
  • Giving intimate gifts, money, or paying their bills
  • Online affairs. 57% of people have used the Internet to flirt. 38% of people have engaged in explicit, online, sexual conversation. 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.
  • Any form of sexual contact, including kissing.
  • Becoming emotionally involved with someone else (emotional infidelity).

I’m sorry this happened to you. You must not let this experience cause you to develop trust or anger issues. Don’t let this relationship ruin future ones. People who cheat are not worth the issues we give ourselves over it.

Trust me, I know.

A survey on cheating was conducted in 2017 by a company called Trustify. The results are worse than you want to hear, but exactly what you need to know. Trustify found that people who have cheated before are 350% more likely to cheat again, compared to those that haven’t cheated before.

Hence, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

 I’m guessing you have a pyramid of different questions building up in your mind.

Questions like:

  • Is he unhappy?
  • Does he have feelings for her?
  • Have they ever met and been actually physical?
  • Does he want to work this out?
  • Will he stop seeing her now that I know?
  • Who else knows about this?

If you want to get past this and keep your marriage, you should start by asking him any and all questions you think you need to know.

After you have his answers, take some time to process what you learned and decide if you want to stay and try, or leave and not.

Recovering the love and trust that was lost will take time. It will require high levels of emotional strength. It may not work out no matter how hard you try.

You can’t be in a marriage that causes anxiety every time he looks at his phone or tablet.

What if catching him is his “out?”

If you decide to talk this over and not just leave, prepare yourself for him to use this situation to unload his truth. He may not want to work it out.

Let’s face it… he cheated on you. This is probably it.

Remember, it’s okay for you to walk away from this all together. Call him a cheating d*&k and leave.

Life is short. Don’t spend time miserable if you can help it.

Click here for another article about infidelity you may find helpful.

I wish you the best of luck.

Most Googled Dating Questions 2017

As 2018 steadily moves forward, relationship sites everywhere focus on the past to help improve our present. There are a ton of opinions to questions that seem so basic and simple, yet must cause many people trouble according to the high number of searches. We all look to the internet for perspective and answers, but who thinks the best solution for your relationship issue is online… from a stranger… who has no details on the situation?

Some questions are pretty self-explanatory but most others could not possibly be broached without some detail and background. I am careful to not overstep my answers to reader’s when questions sent leave out many of the determining factors.

As a Matchmaker, I discuss relationship issues everyday. Most people think a matchmaker’s job is done after two people are connected, and it sometimes is. Most of the time though, a matchmaker also helps couples work out problems and stay the course.

After all, lust is easy, keeping the love is hard.

Before I give my answers to the most Googled questions of 2017, I must issue the following disclaimer:

I cannot comprehend a functional adult expecting to find useful answers to some of the vaguer questions that follow. I assume it must be Millennials.

The Most Googled Dating Questions of 2017:

How to make long-distance relationships work?

 Well, it’s not much different than a face-to-face relationship, and all the same rules apply. You have to make an effort. If money is not an issue, than you travel as much as possible to see one another. If money is an issue, you still have to make an effort, daily.

There is no reason you cannot “see” each other every single day. Skype, face-time, et cetera.

I recommend all my clients dating someone from a far set a weekly date night. Yes, an online date night. The two of you can eat dinner, watch a movie, or just sit and talk together. This little effort goes a long way.

How to change relationship status on Facebook?

It is acceptable to Google this…here’s a link:

https://www.facebook.com/help/251060974929772?helpref=faq_content

How to build trust in a relationship?

Effort and honest communication. Apply liberally. It’s really that simple.

What is a poly relationship?

Good one to Google here. It’s a relationship with more than two consenting people. Generally, everyone in the relationship knows the “relationship rules.” As long as they are followed, everyone is happy.

How to save your relationship?

Who Googles this? Save from what? Cheating? Lies? Financial woes? General Doom and Gloom?
Without more information, how is this an answerable question?

If you are Googling this question, get off the f*&cking internet and talk to your partner. Now!

What is an open relationship?

This is a relationship that follows the motto: “don’t ask, don’t tell.” You can kinda “see and do” who you want, when you want.

How to get over a relationship?

Heal through introspection, realization, and therefore, growth. Move forward with your new perspective and focus on what you could improve the next time. If you need help with this, try my self-help manual.

The Matchmaker’s Perspective – click to view.

How to get out of a toxic relationship?

We basically move on from every relationship the same way. We make a choice to end something, then put one foot in front of the other, never looking back.

How to know when your relationship is over?

If you Google “how to know when your relationship is over,” IT IS OVER!

 

Don’t forget to send me your dating and relationship questions… with detail!

PSA: First Date Conversation

As a relationship expert, I do a lot of coaching. I constantly hear he/she did not bother to ask anything (on a date) about me, except my age, marital history, and income.

A first date can be uncomfortable, especially if you arrive with a bad attitude or don’t even attempt to give the other person a chance. However, if you can walk into a first date with a great attitude and no expectations, things will go much smoother… this is actually true with everything in life!

During a first date, both people are supposed to use this time to get to know one another a little better. The keyword here is …BOTH… but at least seventy percent of the time this doesn’t happen.

We’ve all been on that date when one person is so self-absorbed that they spend the entire time talking about themselves, what they have, where they have been, or who they know. (This is a RED flag)

FYI: If a first date conversation includes: Can you show me photos of your ex’s? How much money do you make? How big is your house? How many cars do you have?… RUN! Don’t waste your time lecturing an adult with poor priorities, just leave.

So, today I want to set the record straight with a few extremely basic guidelines:

  1. Remember, a first date is also the first impression, and first dates are inherently awkward. Which means the first impression may not be so great, either. As long as the person seems nice enough, you share some basic interests, and there is some chemistry, try for date number two. On your second date, things are generally way more comfortable and you can really get a better idea of who someone is.
  2. Always go with your gut. If you go out on a first date and leave with the feeling that something is just not right (i.e your instincts are warning you, not a superficial judgment), then maybe just move on to someone that doesn’t make you uncomfortable to be around. Don’t waste time here…
  3. Ask questions, appropriate questions, and lots of them! Ask about interests, life goals, family, pets, favorite foods, or television shows. Ask about holidays, culture, and even if they enjoy their career. Don’t talk about break-ups, divorces, finances, how you want a baby by date three, or anything else that you would not disclose to a total stranger. Use this time to get to know someone and allow them to get to know you. This is NOT an interview and should be fun and relaxing.
  4. Lastly, please stop with the games. There is no winner when this happens. Grow up. If you don’t want a second date, say it. If you like someone, tell them. If you want a second date, ask right away. Don’t wait around because you don’t want to seem too excited or desperate. Pick up the damn phone and call.

“The early bird gets the amazing relationship!”

How Do I Talk to My Wife About Our Sex?

Reader’s Question:

I’ve been married for about five years. We have two children and all is, mostly, well. My wife and I are not having enough sex and more troubling is that we don’t really talk about sex, ever.  We never talk about what we like or how we want things. We never discuss why we don’t have sex, even though its often a hot topic to start an argument. This is not about our children and the toll they can take, we know this. This is about us and how we communicate physically with one another. While we’ve never talk about sex, our sexual activity has taken a serious decline this year. It makes me wonder. Is it normal I don’t know about her sexual past and her mine?  Is it normal I don’t know her favorite position or even if I get her “there” ever? I can obviously bring this up with my wife, but I’d like some tips on how to keep bringing it up and keep the conversation out in the open. 

Great question! Yes, this is all very “normal,” but you both owe each other more.

It is common that couples don’t discuss their sexual past and it’s not like she is purposely hiding it from you. Why discuss? Do you think she is lying about something? Do you want juicy details of every man she has taken to bed? I can assure you no wife wants to hear this about her husband. The past is the past, so why allow it into the present? Who cares?!

Is the point to judge your wife based on her past? Think about why you want to know.

Dry spells in a marriage tend to make minds wander. Have faith that your partner told you anything that truly matters and leave the rest alone.

I’ve talked with hundreds of couples over the years with this same issue revolving around intimate communication. It can really hurt the physical side of your marriage, so you should speak up sooner rather than later, and so should your wife.

Make things easier and go first.

I know you say it has nothing to do with the kids, but please keep in mind that children of all ages take their toll on a marriage. Think what you like, but someday you will look back and probably realize that the children are a big issue here. I’ve been there and wish I’d have known that things would be even worse than I imagined (emotionally).

Kids are hard. Have you ever asked your wife if they children have anything to do with your lack of sex?

Maybe it’s easier for you than her right now. Two children in five years would take a toll on the best of us, so giving this perspective some deeper thought is a big recommendation. Remember, it can be hard for some parents to admit their kid is the cause of something negative

The problem with not talking about sex in your marriage is that it creates a crack in the foundation. It’s human nature to think about sex and so it must be on both your minds from time to time. The fact that you two are uncomfortable talking to each other about your intimacy should stop. Why do you think you cannot communicate your desires to your wife? Does it make you uncomfortable? Are you nervous she won’t want the same things? This is a great place to start. Why is the communication on this topic different than any other in your marriage? Figuring this out will help you to move forward.

Sex is very important to a marriage.

You’re on the right track. You know there is a problem and you are making efforts to fix it. Keep the conversation light and use “I statements.” Don’t place blame for the lack of sex or communication, just voice your concerns and your plans to break this cycle. It will be frustrating, but well worth the effort. Bringing this conversation to the table now can save your marriage a lot of sexless, sleepless nights. Just be forward and honest.

Explain to your wife that you want more sex and you’d like to discuss sexual preferences… because you want her happy and pleased. You will never be able to get her “there” if you don’t know what she likes and the same goes for her.

You are married and open to sexual exploration within your marriage! You want more sexually and that is okay. Starting this will be hard. This can bring anxiety or excitement or both, so try to be understanding.

In marriage, it is important to grow together, even when things aren’t peachy.

My Teenager is Financially Oblivious

Readers Question:

 I have a teenager who is now driving. Some parents are giving their kids new cars and a full-ride during high school. Meaning… spending money, date money, gas, car insurance, sports, cell phones, et cetera… I think this is preposterous. What are they going to learn from this? Many young people today come with a huge sense of entitlement. They will not learn how to be responsible in college if they go in with blinders on. We can easily afford our sons habits, but my husband and I do not agree on this issue. I want him to grow up and learn some financial responsibility and my husband thinks he should enjoy this time being a kid. I know you have a teenager. What do you make him pay for monthly? Any advice for us on this hot topic?

I feel your pain here. This is a tricky topic to cover and I don’t think there is anyone answer that works. Every kid is different and every family’s financial status is different, so what works well for one could be impossible for another.

I one hundred percent agree that kids today have major entitlement issues, which are generally learned behaviors, so you are absolutely right to want to stop and take some time to review your parenting policies.

Just like we try to hold our children accountable, we must hold ourselves accountable as well.

I am guessing your kid is 16-17 years old, therefore he is no longer a kid! He is a young adult. He needs to learn valuable life lessons now, while they won’t ruin or negatively affect his life moving forward. The sooner this perspective is shared by your husband, the better.

College is only 2-3 years away at this point. Your son needs to know how to “adult up” (I don’t use “man up” because young ladies are included here) and take care of himself in every aspect of life. He will probably just expect you and Dad to take care of things otherwise. And seriously, what parent wants that? A large part of being a good parent is enabling kids to be competent and responsible humans. We owe this to society and it means they will most likely never move back into your house when they are older! Everyone wins.

During high school, parents are generally focused on grades and teens on their social life. It is important for parents to be realistic when settling ground rules for financial responsibilities in high school. A lot of these ground rules should be determined by your teen’s needs. i.e. what areas does his character need improvement? Is he taking advantage of certain things? Is he too busy with school or sports to work part-time? Can he do chores around the house to earn spending money?

We aren’t making them pay for their life because of a tight budget, we are making them pay for their life because they should be familiar with some of the hardships and tough decisions they will encounter very soon and very often. We are working on mental preparation and competence.

If parents can give their teens a taste of real life here and there, it will give young adults the confidence to tackle their own issues as they grow. They will be confident when encountering problems and handle them… or they will be scared and ignore them.

You have to sit down with your husband and decide together what you think is fair and realistic for your family.

 Maybe start by reviewing the cost of your teen’s current privileges. Add up a month of cell phone, insurance, gas, et cetera. Take that to your husband first. Decide on what a fair percentage is for your son to cover. Discuss if he should get a job or can earn money at home. Then take that information/decision to your son and lay it all out.

I Will be Alone for the Rest of My Life

Reader’s Question:

 I am not an attractive man and it doesn’t help that I am short (5’3”) with a below average penis. I was in my late twenties before I finally had my first date and at thirty-five, I am still a virgin, as a refuse to sleep with escorts. I am not suicidal or depressed, but I would like to figure out how to accept my situation and move on. How do I accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life?

First, you don’t have to be alone for the rest of your life, unless that is what you truly want. Believe it or not, there are people out there who will love you for the true you.

You are not your body. You are not your looks.

 I’m proud of you for taking a hard look in the mirror and accepting the truth of how difficult romantic relationships are for you. That is not easy! It seems that a lot of what hinders you are factors that are out of your control.

You have allowed yourself to move on with what you have and who you are physically. Now, it is time to decide what you want from life.

You don’t want to be alone! You need to stop saving yourself from possible disappointment or rejection.

If you decide to accept being alone for the rest of your life, you’re simply giving up. You need to find your self-worth and confidence in who you truly are. Love yourself enough to move past this. You are just wrong if you think love is out of your reach because of your physical makeup. Just like people that think aliens aren’t real…we can’t prove it yet, but the numbers say the probability is virtually guaranteed. I think your chances of finding a happy, rewarding relationship are virtually guaranteed too, but you must be realistic, honest, positive, and confident.

 I understand saying “be confident” is much easier than actually doing it, but fake it until you make it. If you stop portraying your body as who you are, potential lady suitors will follow your lead.

She is out there. Maybe she is an inch shorter or wider, maybe she loves coffee and you despise it, maybe she is blonde and you only wanted to love a brunette… I do not know. The point is, your way of thinking is part of the problem.

YOU DESERVE LOVE just like everyone else and there is a someone special out there meant just for you, you should make an enormous effort to find her.

Finding love isn’t easy, but you still have to try.

You have to put yourself out there knowing you could get hurt time and time again… until eventually, you don’t. This is just how it works.

Work on your appearance. Stay in shape. Maybe, if finances allow, invest in an image consultant who can help with your overall style. Don’t wear platforms in your shoes or doing anything misleading or extreme.

Sex:

When it comes to the bedroom, make use of toys and everything else on your body. Become a damn “spider monkey” in bed. Learn things she has never heard of and surprise the hell out of her. She will remember your penis is smaller than she would like perhaps, sure. She will also remember the crazy, freaky, new, exciting sexual experience you gave her that no one else ever has. Satisfying your lover in the bedroom doesn’t solely rely on penis size, never has. Some women can’t climax from intercourse alone in the first place.

For now, get your attitude right and think only confident thoughts. Never consider quitting or being alone. Focus only on presenting your best self.

Chin up! You have work to do!

P.S. I never do this on JAM, but I suggest using my workbook to help you analyze who may be a great match for you. Here is a link to the workbook. Click Here

 

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