The Million Dollar Proposal

Reader’s Question:

 I proposed to my girlfriend and she said no. She said I ruined it because it wasn’t a good proposal… “it was a basic one.” Apparently, she’ll say yes if I give her a do-over and really go all out. I’m not an over the top guy, so what kind of things are people doing these days to go all out on this?

My initial thought of, fucking run, dude… doesn’t answer your question. You should consider running, though.

It has been a full week since I wrote the previous sentence and I’m still unable to focus on your question. It’s baffling that you don’t seem to see (or care about) the real issue here!

If you give into this nonsense now, you will deal with nonsense for the entirety of your relationship. You should stop it now before you become a controlled, miserable, shell of a man.

Priorities

 I think there is way too much pressure put on making a “perfect” proposal. What exactly does a rom-com, movie style proposal change? Does it make her feel more special than the fact you want to marry her and share all you have with her?

Context for readers: This question was asked by a wealthy man who is 15 years older than the “proposal-zilla.”

What About You?

 I feel awful for you, kinda. You did ask her to marry you so I will assume you know who she is. We all “lie in the bed we make.” My compassion for you comes from the fact that you were rejected by the lady you love because you weren’t flashy enough. That’s tough.

How you propose shouldn’t matter at all. This isn’t prom.

Is she really “the one” for you? I tell all my members that as long as both people are getting what they want, then great. Only you know what makes you happy. If your only focus is to have her say yes then let’s move forward.

Here are some over-the-top, unnecessary, and outlandish marriage proposal trends from Brides.com: https://www.brides.com/story/engagement-proposal-trends

  • Underwater proposal in a submarine, at a famous shipwreck.
  • The Jefferson, one of Washington D.C.’s poshest places to propose. Lovebirds can toast to their new engagement with a glass of 296-year-old 1720 Borges Madeira. It’s the same wine used to toast the Declaration of Independence (not that I think she will appreciate the significance).
  • If Keeneland Race Course is good enough for nobility, it certainly is good enough for you! Located in Lexington, Kentucky—the horse capital of the world—it’s here that equine enthusiasts can say “Yes” or even “I do” at the number one thoroughbred racetrack in North America.
  • One-way lovers are using these treasure trove shores to their advantage is by asking their bae to go on a treasure hunt, only to lead them to a spot where there’s an engagement ring buried in the sand (that’s where your watchful friend comes in handy, so no one else finds it first!).

And finally, the one she really wants:

  • Hotel Metropole Monte-Carlo, the over-the-top Belle Époque style property where Karl Lagerfeld designed the pool area might be one of the chicest places on the planet to rest your head at the moment, so it’s no surprise that they have a new proposal package to match. Coined the “Million Euro Proposal”, it begins with a private jet ride to Monaco from anywhere in the world, followed by a couple’s massage at Spa Metropole by Givenchy and then—if that wasn’t great enough already—it’s all followed up by a shopping spree in the Golden Square of Monte-Carlo, where guests can shop the boutiques of Chanel, Dior, Louis Vuitton, Balenciaga, Alexander McQueen, Prada, Boucheron, Cartier, and more. Later that night, couples top off their extravagant day in the Carré d’Or (that’s French for Gold Square) penthouse suite, which is decorated with rose petals and 1,000 candles on the terrace, where you’ll find sweeping views of Monaco and the Mediterranean Sea. After a private dinner created by the Michelin-starred team at Restaurant Joël Robuchon, a plane with a “will you marry me” banner will fly over the suite. And yes, it costs over $1 million bucks!

Spend a million bucks, and bam, you’ll have yourself a wife. None of these proposals mean anything more than your ability and willingness to spend disposable income.

Good luck!

Does Sex Equal Committment?

Reader’s Question:

 I’ve been dating this guy for a few months. We kept things casual, but we have sex, so I assumed we weren’t seeing other people. Over the last few weeks, he’s been acting differently. We talk in the morning and early afternoon, then he just disappears for the rest of the day. This is new behavior. Maybe I’m over thinking this, but it just seems weird. We have gone from constant communication to sporadic. Do you think something has changed? Am I allowed to care since we never made our relationship official?

I would feel and think the same way… boy, are we naive. Sexual relationships mean more to some than to others. You’ve heard of Tinder, right?

Sadly, just because you are sleeping together does not mean you are in a committed relationship.

Have you both acknowledged that you don’t want to see other people? If not (and it sounds like you haven’t), you are not in a committed relationship.

All relationships need an agreement. These are called “relationship agreements.”

There is one overriding fact here: you didn’t discuss your relationship, so you technically do not have one. We both know that is silly, of course.

With the advent of online dating (join TheHeartMarket.com Free), people date a lot and hook-up even more. He could easily be dating around and you can, too. The question is, do you want to?

Yes, the change in communication most likely has a meaning. It could be due to another gal, or it could be trouble at work. You need to ask him.

Talking to him would solve all your problems in one way or another.

Even if you keep the chat short and sweet, get on the same page about what you should both expect. This will create your “relationship agreement.”

First, discuss your relationship, then ask about the change in communication.

Do not sit and worry on this. “Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.” – Erma Bombeck

Just ask and save yourself the anxiety.

Am I too Old to “Sport F&#k?”

Reader’s Question:

 I’m in my early 50’s, wealthy, and single. I travel often and meet a lot of women. I “sleep” with a lot of them. I don’t know why, it just happens for one reason or another. Am I too old for this “sport f*#&ing?”

So, you like to have casual sex, eh?

Fun Fact:

The term “sport fucking” was first recorded by Playboy in 1968 during a Paul Newman interview.

Fun Fact #2:

Age is just a number!

Not Fun Fact:

Massive amounts of sexual partners increase your chance of unhealthy consequences.

But, you knew all that. Especially the last one.

The point is, you’re self-conscious about your personal life being socially frowned upon. I understand and think it’s healthy to consider outside perspectives.

My opinion stays the same: If you and the other “athlete” are both getting what you want out of this form of relationship, good for you two.

Some people are never drawn to a committed relationship. Some feel happier and perfectly content being single. These people truly don’t want to see someone every single day. They want to come and go as they please, be free of responsibility and the inevitable drama that’s inherent in any relationship. Any relationship that lasts more than a dinner and some “game” time, of course.

This should come as no surprise, but relationships don’t always equal happiness.

All of this goes for lady “sport fuckers,” too. Don’t get me wrong, you’re both sluts, but you’re not bad people.

We all need and want different things. As long as your partner is single, have fun.

Warning! Danger!

Besides the health concerns, you better be sure your fellow “sport fucker” fully understands the rules of the game. This isn’t the start of something new.

Also, this could get tiresome, you are in your 50’s. Most people want a companion to live out our elder years with. You’ll probably want the same at some point.

I work with single, wealthy men every day. These guys are offered their fair share of sex, just like you. Here’s what I’ve seen happen: At some point, women will look at you and think you’re creepy, old, and pathetic.

Just like young, beautiful “trophy wives” have a window of opportunity to find their ideal partner… older, wealthy men can only catch that “prize” for so long.

Just remember, if you ever want more, “jump on” your options while you still have them.

Have fun!

Weddings: Does Size Really Matter?

Reader’s Question:

Thank you, Misty. You matched me with the man of my dreams and we recently became engaged. It’s been a wonderful fairy tale. I’m so in love. He has been married before. I have not. My concern is that I want to keep things small, informal, and private for the wedding. I know his style will be the opposite. I don’t have a lot of friends or family, nor do I want to stress on the best day of my life. I’d rather have a very private wedding with immediate family. Perhaps a party to celebrate after. Is it selfish of me to make this request?

Congratulations! I am very happy for you guys… told you he was the perfect match. (Man, I’m awesome.) No, this does not make you selfish.

I trust you are correct in assuming he will desire large and lavish. So, while he shouldn’t feel you’re being selfish, he may simply not agree.

Welcome to marriage… where there is no true right or wrong most of the time, just two people who want/feel/think different things.

This aspect of marriage can be a real son-of-a-bitch! 

So, have the conversation, because all you can do is speculate and worry without knowing how he will react. I do not think this being your first marriage and his second really matters, here. I don’t think it’s fair to start using his past as an excuse for the present. Be honest and hopefully he understands. Your concerns are common for the situation.

What if he doesn’t budge?

There is a chance he says you’re just being nervous about getting up in front of people and you’re worried because most of the guests will be his. These assessments are true, of course. Plus, making yourself uncomfortable is a good growing experience, as it is for us all. I think most people are uncomfortable on their wedding day, but I’m with you. Who cares what most people do?

Compromise… blah, blah, blah

Unless your fiance is immediately understanding and puts your wants over his, a compromise will be needed. I’m sure he can keep some things more low-key for you and you could agree to some aspects being planned with more showmanship involved.

Marriage requires the ultimate give and take.

Have fun and good luck!

Dating After Divorce

Reader’s Question:

 My husband and I met in college. We dated on and off for six years before getting married and having two children (ages 7 and 3). After about seven years of marriage, we decided to get a divorce. We have been separated for about six months and I’m wondering when it is acceptable for me to date again. What are the rules here? I don’t want to be judged by others. How do I tell my children that mommy is lonely and wants to find someone special? I feel so guilty about all of this. Any ideas?

I’m sorry to hear about your impending divorce. Thirteen years with someone is no short journey. I hope you both work hard and try to keep things on good terms for the children. I hope you both come out better for this on the other side. Even though you are no longer married, if civility is possible, you must remain a “family unit” for the kids.

I realize the above had nothing to do with your question, but focusing on the kid’s well-being through this transition is vital. Your dating and sex life, not so much.

Short answer: There are no rules for how long to wait.

More important answer: You do not tell a three or seven-year-old any of those thoughts and feelings.

I’m all for discussing life in an honest way with kids, but don’t put your shit on your children. Your adult life is not a toddler or seven-year-olds business. It certainly isn’t their job to make you feel good and supported while finding romantic partners to replace their dad.

In my opinion, you can start dating when you feel ready emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Consider: If you fell in love, would you have reservations about committing so soon after divorce?

This timing is different for everyone. Maybe your marriage has been over for a long time before the actual divorce, so you’ve grieved and healed already. Maybe things happened quickly and you’re an emotional wreck, but you crave being physically close to someone.

Please, consider others feelings, here. You don’t want to find someone great and have them fall in love with only to ruin it because emotionally, you are still drained from divorce.

Take your time. Breathe. When you feel healthy and balanced… you’ll be ready.

Who cares what anyone else thinks? Live your life knowing you made the best decision for you and those you love. Judgments from afar are almost always wrong.

Dating with children is hard and should be performed with caution.

I am not a family therapist. My opinions are based on personal and professional experiences. You can/should always call your children’s pediatrician and get their advice.

So…

Common sense dictates your children be left out of any dating matters. You are allowed adult time, which is private time. It is none of their business.

If things get serious:

When you do find a special person and the dating turns into a relationship, it may be time to let your kids know about your “new friend.” If the person is around for a while, the kids will slowly learn that he is a special friend. Slow is the key.

Do not welcome a boyfriend into your kid’s life unless it is a serious relationship. You must never show your kids a revolving door of men… if that is your style, of course.

The dating scene has changed over the past 13 years, so try and have fun. When you’re ready to get out there, put your best foot forward.

Good luck!

Online Affairs

Reader’s Question:

 My husband and I have been married for seven years. We have two children and both work full-time. We are in our early 40’s. He has been “seeing” someone online. I caught him masturbating with her through an online site and he admitted it has been an ongoing thing but says it has no real meaning. He said they talk daily, text, and have some video sessions. Is this an affair? I am embarrassed to talk about this with anyone and don’t know what to do.

To be with someone and truly not know them at all…

Where is the man you fell in love with? There are a bunch of possible reasons why things changed. Sometimes we don’t figure it out until it’s too late.

Yes, your husbands’ online affair is cheating.

The sad truth:

Over ten percent of all affairs started online in 2017. Forty percent of those turned into offline, hands-on affairs. An online affair involves the same basic aspects as a physical affair.

Differing views on what constitutes cheating do exist. Here are some examples to help outline my personal view on what makes a cheater: 

  • Engaging in sexual talk.
  • Spending time with a person in secret.
  • Touching intimately. E.g. sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, et cetera.
  • Giving intimate gifts, money, or paying their bills
  • Online affairs. 57% of people have used the Internet to flirt. 38% of people have engaged in explicit, online, sexual conversation. 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.
  • Any form of sexual contact, including kissing.
  • Becoming emotionally involved with someone else (emotional infidelity).

I’m sorry this happened to you. You must not let this experience cause you to develop trust or anger issues. Don’t let this relationship ruin future ones. People who cheat are not worth the issues we give ourselves over it.

Trust me, I know.

A survey on cheating was conducted in 2017 by a company called Trustify. The results are worse than you want to hear, but exactly what you need to know. Trustify found that people who have cheated before are 350% more likely to cheat again, compared to those that haven’t cheated before.

Hence, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

 I’m guessing you have a pyramid of different questions building up in your mind.

Questions like:

  • Is he unhappy?
  • Does he have feelings for her?
  • Have they ever met and been actually physical?
  • Does he want to work this out?
  • Will he stop seeing her now that I know?
  • Who else knows about this?

If you want to get past this and keep your marriage, you should start by asking him any and all questions you think you need to know.

After you have his answers, take some time to process what you learned and decide if you want to stay and try, or leave and not.

Recovering the love and trust that was lost will take time. It will require high levels of emotional strength. It may not work out no matter how hard you try.

You can’t be in a marriage that causes anxiety every time he looks at his phone or tablet.

What if catching him is his “out?”

If you decide to talk this over and not just leave, prepare yourself for him to use this situation to unload his truth. He may not want to work it out.

Let’s face it… he cheated on you. This is probably it.

Remember, it’s okay for you to walk away from this all together. Call him a cheating d*&k and leave.

Life is short. Don’t spend time miserable if you can help it.

Click here for another article about infidelity you may find helpful.

I wish you the best of luck.

Most Googled Dating Questions 2017

As 2018 steadily moves forward, relationship sites everywhere focus on the past to help improve our present. There are a ton of opinions to questions that seem so basic and simple, yet must cause many people trouble according to the high number of searches. We all look to the internet for perspective and answers, but who thinks the best solution for your relationship issue is online… from a stranger… who has no details on the situation?

Some questions are pretty self-explanatory but most others could not possibly be broached without some detail and background. I am careful to not overstep my answers to reader’s when questions sent leave out many of the determining factors.

As a Matchmaker, I discuss relationship issues everyday. Most people think a matchmaker’s job is done after two people are connected, and it sometimes is. Most of the time though, a matchmaker also helps couples work out problems and stay the course.

After all, lust is easy, keeping the love is hard.

Before I give my answers to the most Googled questions of 2017, I must issue the following disclaimer:

I cannot comprehend a functional adult expecting to find useful answers to some of the vaguer questions that follow. I assume it must be Millennials.

The Most Googled Dating Questions of 2017:

How to make long-distance relationships work?

 Well, it’s not much different than a face-to-face relationship, and all the same rules apply. You have to make an effort. If money is not an issue, than you travel as much as possible to see one another. If money is an issue, you still have to make an effort, daily.

There is no reason you cannot “see” each other every single day. Skype, face-time, et cetera.

I recommend all my clients dating someone from a far set a weekly date night. Yes, an online date night. The two of you can eat dinner, watch a movie, or just sit and talk together. This little effort goes a long way.

How to change relationship status on Facebook?

It is acceptable to Google this…here’s a link:

https://www.facebook.com/help/251060974929772?helpref=faq_content

How to build trust in a relationship?

Effort and honest communication. Apply liberally. It’s really that simple.

What is a poly relationship?

Good one to Google here. It’s a relationship with more than two consenting people. Generally, everyone in the relationship knows the “relationship rules.” As long as they are followed, everyone is happy.

How to save your relationship?

Who Googles this? Save from what? Cheating? Lies? Financial woes? General Doom and Gloom?
Without more information, how is this an answerable question?

If you are Googling this question, get off the f*&cking internet and talk to your partner. Now!

What is an open relationship?

This is a relationship that follows the motto: “don’t ask, don’t tell.” You can kinda “see and do” who you want, when you want.

How to get over a relationship?

Heal through introspection, realization, and therefore, growth. Move forward with your new perspective and focus on what you could improve the next time. If you need help with this, try my self-help manual.

The Matchmaker’s Perspective – click to view.

How to get out of a toxic relationship?

We basically move on from every relationship the same way. We make a choice to end something, then put one foot in front of the other, never looking back.

How to know when your relationship is over?

If you Google “how to know when your relationship is over,” IT IS OVER!

 

Don’t forget to send me your dating and relationship questions… with detail!

PSA: First Date Conversation

As a relationship expert, I do a lot of coaching. I constantly hear he/she did not bother to ask anything (on a date) about me, except my age, marital history, and income.

A first date can be uncomfortable, especially if you arrive with a bad attitude or don’t even attempt to give the other person a chance. However, if you can walk into a first date with a great attitude and no expectations, things will go much smoother… this is actually true with everything in life!

During a first date, both people are supposed to use this time to get to know one another a little better. The keyword here is …BOTH… but at least seventy percent of the time this doesn’t happen.

We’ve all been on that date when one person is so self-absorbed that they spend the entire time talking about themselves, what they have, where they have been, or who they know. (This is a RED flag)

FYI: If a first date conversation includes: Can you show me photos of your ex’s? How much money do you make? How big is your house? How many cars do you have?… RUN! Don’t waste your time lecturing an adult with poor priorities, just leave.

So, today I want to set the record straight with a few extremely basic guidelines:

  1. Remember, a first date is also the first impression, and first dates are inherently awkward. Which means the first impression may not be so great, either. As long as the person seems nice enough, you share some basic interests, and there is some chemistry, try for date number two. On your second date, things are generally way more comfortable and you can really get a better idea of who someone is.
  2. Always go with your gut. If you go out on a first date and leave with the feeling that something is just not right (i.e your instincts are warning you, not a superficial judgment), then maybe just move on to someone that doesn’t make you uncomfortable to be around. Don’t waste time here…
  3. Ask questions, appropriate questions, and lots of them! Ask about interests, life goals, family, pets, favorite foods, or television shows. Ask about holidays, culture, and even if they enjoy their career. Don’t talk about break-ups, divorces, finances, how you want a baby by date three, or anything else that you would not disclose to a total stranger. Use this time to get to know someone and allow them to get to know you. This is NOT an interview and should be fun and relaxing.
  4. Lastly, please stop with the games. There is no winner when this happens. Grow up. If you don’t want a second date, say it. If you like someone, tell them. If you want a second date, ask right away. Don’t wait around because you don’t want to seem too excited or desperate. Pick up the damn phone and call.

“The early bird gets the amazing relationship!”

How Do I Talk to My Wife About Our Sex?

Reader’s Question:

I’ve been married for about five years. We have two children and all is, mostly, well. My wife and I are not having enough sex and more troubling is that we don’t really talk about sex, ever.  We never talk about what we like or how we want things. We never discuss why we don’t have sex, even though its often a hot topic to start an argument. This is not about our children and the toll they can take, we know this. This is about us and how we communicate physically with one another. While we’ve never talk about sex, our sexual activity has taken a serious decline this year. It makes me wonder. Is it normal I don’t know about her sexual past and her mine?  Is it normal I don’t know her favorite position or even if I get her “there” ever? I can obviously bring this up with my wife, but I’d like some tips on how to keep bringing it up and keep the conversation out in the open. 

Great question! Yes, this is all very “normal,” but you both owe each other more.

It is common that couples don’t discuss their sexual past and it’s not like she is purposely hiding it from you. Why discuss? Do you think she is lying about something? Do you want juicy details of every man she has taken to bed? I can assure you no wife wants to hear this about her husband. The past is the past, so why allow it into the present? Who cares?!

Is the point to judge your wife based on her past? Think about why you want to know.

Dry spells in a marriage tend to make minds wander. Have faith that your partner told you anything that truly matters and leave the rest alone.

I’ve talked with hundreds of couples over the years with this same issue revolving around intimate communication. It can really hurt the physical side of your marriage, so you should speak up sooner rather than later, and so should your wife.

Make things easier and go first.

I know you say it has nothing to do with the kids, but please keep in mind that children of all ages take their toll on a marriage. Think what you like, but someday you will look back and probably realize that the children are a big issue here. I’ve been there and wish I’d have known that things would be even worse than I imagined (emotionally).

Kids are hard. Have you ever asked your wife if they children have anything to do with your lack of sex?

Maybe it’s easier for you than her right now. Two children in five years would take a toll on the best of us, so giving this perspective some deeper thought is a big recommendation. Remember, it can be hard for some parents to admit their kid is the cause of something negative

The problem with not talking about sex in your marriage is that it creates a crack in the foundation. It’s human nature to think about sex and so it must be on both your minds from time to time. The fact that you two are uncomfortable talking to each other about your intimacy should stop. Why do you think you cannot communicate your desires to your wife? Does it make you uncomfortable? Are you nervous she won’t want the same things? This is a great place to start. Why is the communication on this topic different than any other in your marriage? Figuring this out will help you to move forward.

Sex is very important to a marriage.

You’re on the right track. You know there is a problem and you are making efforts to fix it. Keep the conversation light and use “I statements.” Don’t place blame for the lack of sex or communication, just voice your concerns and your plans to break this cycle. It will be frustrating, but well worth the effort. Bringing this conversation to the table now can save your marriage a lot of sexless, sleepless nights. Just be forward and honest.

Explain to your wife that you want more sex and you’d like to discuss sexual preferences… because you want her happy and pleased. You will never be able to get her “there” if you don’t know what she likes and the same goes for her.

You are married and open to sexual exploration within your marriage! You want more sexually and that is okay. Starting this will be hard. This can bring anxiety or excitement or both, so try to be understanding.

In marriage, it is important to grow together, even when things aren’t peachy.

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