PSA: First Date Conversation

As a relationship expert, I do a lot of coaching. I constantly hear he/she did not bother to ask anything (on a date) about me, except my age, marital history, and income.

A first date can be uncomfortable, especially if you arrive with a bad attitude or don’t even attempt to give the other person a chance. However, if you can walk into a first date with a great attitude and no expectations, things will go much smoother… this is actually true with everything in life!

During a first date, both people are supposed to use this time to get to know one another a little better. The keyword here is …BOTH… but at least seventy percent of the time this doesn’t happen.

We’ve all been on that date when one person is so self-absorbed that they spend the entire time talking about themselves, what they have, where they have been, or who they know. (This is a RED flag)

FYI: If a first date conversation includes: Can you show me photos of your ex’s? How much money do you make? How big is your house? How many cars do you have?… RUN! Don’t waste your time lecturing an adult with poor priorities, just leave.

So, today I want to set the record straight with a few extremely basic guidelines:

  1. Remember, a first date is also the first impression, and first dates are inherently awkward. Which means the first impression may not be so great, either. As long as the person seems nice enough, you share some basic interests, and there is some chemistry, try for date number two. On your second date, things are generally way more comfortable and you can really get a better idea of who someone is.
  2. Always go with your gut. If you go out on a first date and leave with the feeling that something is just not right (i.e your instincts are warning you, not a superficial judgment), then maybe just move on to someone that doesn’t make you uncomfortable to be around. Don’t waste time here…
  3. Ask questions, appropriate questions, and lots of them! Ask about interests, life goals, family, pets, favorite foods, or television shows. Ask about holidays, culture, and even if they enjoy their career. Don’t talk about break-ups, divorces, finances, how you want a baby by date three, or anything else that you would not disclose to a total stranger. Use this time to get to know someone and allow them to get to know you. This is NOT an interview and should be fun and relaxing.
  4. Lastly, please stop with the games. There is no winner when this happens. Grow up. If you don’t want a second date, say it. If you like someone, tell them. If you want a second date, ask right away. Don’t wait around because you don’t want to seem too excited or desperate. Pick up the damn phone and call.

“The early bird gets the amazing relationship!”

I Will be Alone for the Rest of My Life

Reader’s Question:

 I am not an attractive man and it doesn’t help that I am short (5’3”) with a below average penis. I was in my late twenties before I finally had my first date and at thirty-five, I am still a virgin, as a refuse to sleep with escorts. I am not suicidal or depressed, but I would like to figure out how to accept my situation and move on. How do I accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life?

First, you don’t have to be alone for the rest of your life, unless that is what you truly want. Believe it or not, there are people out there who will love you for the true you.

You are not your body. You are not your looks.

 I’m proud of you for taking a hard look in the mirror and accepting the truth of how difficult romantic relationships are for you. That is not easy! It seems that a lot of what hinders you are factors that are out of your control.

You have allowed yourself to move on with what you have and who you are physically. Now, it is time to decide what you want from life.

You don’t want to be alone! You need to stop saving yourself from possible disappointment or rejection.

If you decide to accept being alone for the rest of your life, you’re simply giving up. You need to find your self-worth and confidence in who you truly are. Love yourself enough to move past this. You are just wrong if you think love is out of your reach because of your physical makeup. Just like people that think aliens aren’t real…we can’t prove it yet, but the numbers say the probability is virtually guaranteed. I think your chances of finding a happy, rewarding relationship are virtually guaranteed too, but you must be realistic, honest, positive, and confident.

 I understand saying “be confident” is much easier than actually doing it, but fake it until you make it. If you stop portraying your body as who you are, potential lady suitors will follow your lead.

She is out there. Maybe she is an inch shorter or wider, maybe she loves coffee and you despise it, maybe she is blonde and you only wanted to love a brunette… I do not know. The point is, your way of thinking is part of the problem.

YOU DESERVE LOVE just like everyone else and there is a someone special out there meant just for you, you should make an enormous effort to find her.

Finding love isn’t easy, but you still have to try.

You have to put yourself out there knowing you could get hurt time and time again… until eventually, you don’t. This is just how it works.

Work on your appearance. Stay in shape. Maybe, if finances allow, invest in an image consultant who can help with your overall style. Don’t wear platforms in your shoes or doing anything misleading or extreme.

Sex:

When it comes to the bedroom, make use of toys and everything else on your body. Become a damn “spider monkey” in bed. Learn things she has never heard of and surprise the hell out of her. She will remember your penis is smaller than she would like perhaps, sure. She will also remember the crazy, freaky, new, exciting sexual experience you gave her that no one else ever has. Satisfying your lover in the bedroom doesn’t solely rely on penis size, never has. Some women can’t climax from intercourse alone in the first place.

For now, get your attitude right and think only confident thoughts. Never consider quitting or being alone. Focus only on presenting your best self.

Chin up! You have work to do!

P.S. I never do this on JAM, but I suggest using my workbook to help you analyze who may be a great match for you. Here is a link to the workbook. Click Here

 

Top Ten Reasons People End Relationships

  1. They don’t feel appreciated
  2. Infidelity
  3. Financial incompatibility
  4. Lack of communication
  5. Lack of effort
  6. Major life event
  7. Boredom
  8. Lack of met expectation
  9. As you grow, you do it separately, therefore growing apart
  10. There was no real foundation in the first place

Top Ten Reasons You’re Single

  1. You are unreasonable about what you expect from a partner.
  2. You play too many “hard to get” games.
  3. You are stuck on a previous relationship.
  4. You fall for the gender stereotypes. e.g. He must be tall, dark and alpha. She must be…
  5. You only want to date “the one.”
  6. You are too needy from date one.
  7. You have too much drama in your life and you shout it to the roof tops.
  8. You fear becoming dependent… aka, commitment issues.
  9. You think relationships can be developed online. The internet is a good start, but texting and emailing will never build a proper foundation. Pick up the phone and meet in person.
  10. You are insecure about yourself and send off those vibes without knowing it. It’s unattractive.

My Marriage Needs its Sex Back!

Reader’s Question:

 My wife and I are in a sexless marriage. It has been about a year since we were intimate and things get awkward with us physically. We don’t really kiss or touch and when we do, it feels like there is a major disconnect, and talking about it gets us nowhere. I know my wife well and this isn’t about an affair or something like that. Life and kids have taken its toll on our marriage and I need to fix it. Please, any advice you can give me to help me talk to my wife would be appreciated.

I hear this all the time. Your situation is more common than you think, but you really have to make an effort to turn things around.

Raising children is hard on a marriage. Life’s ups and downs are hard on a marriage. Marriage is hard work, period.

There will be times when you look at your spouse and think, who the hell are you and why am I with you. Other times you will look at them and think, I’m the luckiest person in the world.

You just have to ride the waves.

It is time to have a serious talk with your wife. Things need to change. You two need to reconnect. Start with an open and honest conversation. This is not the time to blame. It’s a time to listen and learn.

The last thing you want to do is make her feel that this is all her fault.

I have worked with several couples over the last decade that have gone through the same issues. One wife came to me and explained it has been two years, six months, and three days. She was driving herself insane. It was ruining her marriage. She thought her husband was cheating or wanted a divorce, but was too afraid to ask for it.

He wasn’t cheating and he did not want a divorce. They had twin boys and both worked full-time. Life is what was happening.

We often forget to make time for our marriage. Having a family dinner together is not husband and wife time…it is family time. Spouses should schedule time together on a regular basis. Having a planned “date” is a huge psychological motivator to get through a hard week. If you work full time and have two kids, then every week is a hard week, that would benefit from a little “light at the end of the tunnel.”

Making time for the two of you, separate from anyone else, should lead to more sex and a stronger overall connection.

When was the last time you and your wife made time just for each other, on a regular basis? Even if you only have an hour a week and a few bucks to your name, you can still make it happen.

Put the kids to bed, go lay in the back yard, and just watch the stars…or whatever…you get the point.

 

Say No to Uncle-Dad

Reader’s Question:

My husband and I were married for seven years before we divorced. We remain civil today for our children. He is not very close with his family, but I am and have been for years, even before we became a couple. Last week his brother asked me on a date and I am wondering if this is okay or not? He is a good man and I am interested, but don’t want things to get messy.

Gulp. I am guessing that you know the correct answer to this question, but want someone to say yes, it is fine, or hell no, it’s not okay. So, here you go:

 HELL NO, this is not okay…for many reasons.

Let’s start with your children.

I’m pretty sure “Uncle-Dad” is not a situation any kids want to explain or deal with. It is already difficult when your parents decide to start dating after divorce, but when it is a family member or close friend, things really get emotional. Kids need stability, but divorce happens.

 You don’t have to make things harder for them by dating their uncle.

 There are tons of “fish in the sea.” Unless you two are so in love that you will literally die without him, find someone else. Period.

What are you thinking?

Why do you want to date him and why do you think he is okay asking you out? Could any of this be a shot at the ex-husband-brother? With the family already not close, do you really want to add to the strife? What makes him more appealing than a guy with fewer strings attached? What about a fresh start for you?

Dating with children involved after a divorce is very hard. Sometimes when you have been married for a long time, you forget your self-worth. Maybe this is happening to you now. I think this brother makes you feel comfortable, and it’s easy, and it’s a situation you know. So you feel safe. Making it easy for you to consider taking action on an idea you must know is absolutely wrong!

 I believe it’s best that you nail this proverbial door shut, permanently…with very large nails!

Join a dating site, go to a bookstore, or head out with some friends and meet new people. Give yourself a real chance at a new relationship. One that is best for you and healthy for your children.

 You deserve love!