Thank you, Misty. You matched me with the man of my dreams and we recently became engaged. It’s been a wonderful fairy tale. I’m so in love. He has been married before. I have not. My concern is that I want to keep things small, informal, and private for the wedding. I know his style will be the opposite. I don’t have a lot of friends or family, nor do I want to stress on the best day of my life. I’d rather have a very private wedding with immediate family. Perhaps a party to celebrate after. Is it selfish of me to make this request?
Congratulations! I am very happy for you guys… told you he was the perfect match. (Man, I’m awesome.) No, this does not make you selfish.
I trust you are correct in assuming he will desire large and lavish. So, while he shouldn’t feel you’re being selfish, he may simply not agree.
Welcome to marriage… where there is no true right or wrong most of the time, just two people who want/feel/think different things.
This aspect of marriage can be a real son-of-a-bitch!
So, have the conversation, because all you can do is speculate and worry without knowing how he will react. I do not think this being your first marriage and his second really matters, here. I don’t think it’s fair to start using his past as an excuse for the present. Be honest and hopefully he understands. Your concerns are common for the situation.
What if he doesn’t budge?
There is a chance he says you’re just being nervous about getting up in front of people and you’re worried because most of the guests will be his. These assessments are true, of course. Plus, making yourself uncomfortable is a good growing experience, as it is for us all. I think most people are uncomfortable on their wedding day, but I’m with you. Who cares what most people do?
Compromise… blah, blah, blah
Unless your fiance is immediately understanding and puts your wants over his, a compromise will be needed. I’m sure he can keep some things more low-key for you and you could agree to some aspects being planned with more showmanship involved.
Marriage requires the ultimate give and take.
Have fun and good luck!