The Million Dollar Proposal

Reader’s Question:

 I proposed to my girlfriend and she said no. She said I ruined it because it wasn’t a good proposal… “it was a basic one.” Apparently, she’ll say yes if I give her a do-over and really go all out. I’m not an over the top guy, so what kind of things are people doing these days to go all out on this?

My initial thought of, fucking run, dude… doesn’t answer your question. You should consider running, though.

It has been a full week since I wrote the previous sentence and I’m still unable to focus on your question. It’s baffling that you don’t seem to see (or care about) the real issue here!

If you give into this nonsense now, you will deal with nonsense for the entirety of your relationship. You should stop it now before you become a controlled, miserable, shell of a man.

Priorities

 I think there is way too much pressure put on making a “perfect” proposal. What exactly does a rom-com, movie style proposal change? Does it make her feel more special than the fact you want to marry her and share all you have with her?

Context for readers: This question was asked by a wealthy man who is 15 years older than the “proposal-zilla.”

What About You?

 I feel awful for you, kinda. You did ask her to marry you so I will assume you know who she is. We all “lie in the bed we make.” My compassion for you comes from the fact that you were rejected by the lady you love because you weren’t flashy enough. That’s tough.

How you propose shouldn’t matter at all. This isn’t prom.

Is she really “the one” for you? I tell all my members that as long as both people are getting what they want, then great. Only you know what makes you happy. If your only focus is to have her say yes then let’s move forward.

Here are some over-the-top, unnecessary, and outlandish marriage proposal trends from Brides.com: https://www.brides.com/story/engagement-proposal-trends

  • Underwater proposal in a submarine, at a famous shipwreck.
  • The Jefferson, one of Washington D.C.’s poshest places to propose. Lovebirds can toast to their new engagement with a glass of 296-year-old 1720 Borges Madeira. It’s the same wine used to toast the Declaration of Independence (not that I think she will appreciate the significance).
  • If Keeneland Race Course is good enough for nobility, it certainly is good enough for you! Located in Lexington, Kentucky—the horse capital of the world—it’s here that equine enthusiasts can say “Yes” or even “I do” at the number one thoroughbred racetrack in North America.
  • One-way lovers are using these treasure trove shores to their advantage is by asking their bae to go on a treasure hunt, only to lead them to a spot where there’s an engagement ring buried in the sand (that’s where your watchful friend comes in handy, so no one else finds it first!).

And finally, the one she really wants:

  • Hotel Metropole Monte-Carlo, the over-the-top Belle Époque style property where Karl Lagerfeld designed the pool area might be one of the chicest places on the planet to rest your head at the moment, so it’s no surprise that they have a new proposal package to match. Coined the “Million Euro Proposal”, it begins with a private jet ride to Monaco from anywhere in the world, followed by a couple’s massage at Spa Metropole by Givenchy and then—if that wasn’t great enough already—it’s all followed up by a shopping spree in the Golden Square of Monte-Carlo, where guests can shop the boutiques of Chanel, Dior, Louis Vuitton, Balenciaga, Alexander McQueen, Prada, Boucheron, Cartier, and more. Later that night, couples top off their extravagant day in the Carré d’Or (that’s French for Gold Square) penthouse suite, which is decorated with rose petals and 1,000 candles on the terrace, where you’ll find sweeping views of Monaco and the Mediterranean Sea. After a private dinner created by the Michelin-starred team at Restaurant Joël Robuchon, a plane with a “will you marry me” banner will fly over the suite. And yes, it costs over $1 million bucks!

Spend a million bucks, and bam, you’ll have yourself a wife. None of these proposals mean anything more than your ability and willingness to spend disposable income.

Good luck!

Does Sex Equal Committment?

Reader’s Question:

 I’ve been dating this guy for a few months. We kept things casual, but we have sex, so I assumed we weren’t seeing other people. Over the last few weeks, he’s been acting differently. We talk in the morning and early afternoon, then he just disappears for the rest of the day. This is new behavior. Maybe I’m over thinking this, but it just seems weird. We have gone from constant communication to sporadic. Do you think something has changed? Am I allowed to care since we never made our relationship official?

I would feel and think the same way… boy, are we naive. Sexual relationships mean more to some than to others. You’ve heard of Tinder, right?

Sadly, just because you are sleeping together does not mean you are in a committed relationship.

Have you both acknowledged that you don’t want to see other people? If not (and it sounds like you haven’t), you are not in a committed relationship.

All relationships need an agreement. These are called “relationship agreements.”

There is one overriding fact here: you didn’t discuss your relationship, so you technically do not have one. We both know that is silly, of course.

With the advent of online dating (join TheHeartMarket.com Free), people date a lot and hook-up even more. He could easily be dating around and you can, too. The question is, do you want to?

Yes, the change in communication most likely has a meaning. It could be due to another gal, or it could be trouble at work. You need to ask him.

Talking to him would solve all your problems in one way or another.

Even if you keep the chat short and sweet, get on the same page about what you should both expect. This will create your “relationship agreement.”

First, discuss your relationship, then ask about the change in communication.

Do not sit and worry on this. “Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.” – Erma Bombeck

Just ask and save yourself the anxiety.

Am I too Old to “Sport F&#k?”

Reader’s Question:

 I’m in my early 50’s, wealthy, and single. I travel often and meet a lot of women. I “sleep” with a lot of them. I don’t know why, it just happens for one reason or another. Am I too old for this “sport f*#&ing?”

So, you like to have casual sex, eh?

Fun Fact:

The term “sport fucking” was first recorded by Playboy in 1968 during a Paul Newman interview.

Fun Fact #2:

Age is just a number!

Not Fun Fact:

Massive amounts of sexual partners increase your chance of unhealthy consequences.

But, you knew all that. Especially the last one.

The point is, you’re self-conscious about your personal life being socially frowned upon. I understand and think it’s healthy to consider outside perspectives.

My opinion stays the same: If you and the other “athlete” are both getting what you want out of this form of relationship, good for you two.

Some people are never drawn to a committed relationship. Some feel happier and perfectly content being single. These people truly don’t want to see someone every single day. They want to come and go as they please, be free of responsibility and the inevitable drama that’s inherent in any relationship. Any relationship that lasts more than a dinner and some “game” time, of course.

This should come as no surprise, but relationships don’t always equal happiness.

All of this goes for lady “sport fuckers,” too. Don’t get me wrong, you’re both sluts, but you’re not bad people.

We all need and want different things. As long as your partner is single, have fun.

Warning! Danger!

Besides the health concerns, you better be sure your fellow “sport fucker” fully understands the rules of the game. This isn’t the start of something new.

Also, this could get tiresome, you are in your 50’s. Most people want a companion to live out our elder years with. You’ll probably want the same at some point.

I work with single, wealthy men every day. These guys are offered their fair share of sex, just like you. Here’s what I’ve seen happen: At some point, women will look at you and think you’re creepy, old, and pathetic.

Just like young, beautiful “trophy wives” have a window of opportunity to find their ideal partner… older, wealthy men can only catch that “prize” for so long.

Just remember, if you ever want more, “jump on” your options while you still have them.

Have fun!

Dating After Divorce

Reader’s Question:

 My husband and I met in college. We dated on and off for six years before getting married and having two children (ages 7 and 3). After about seven years of marriage, we decided to get a divorce. We have been separated for about six months and I’m wondering when it is acceptable for me to date again. What are the rules here? I don’t want to be judged by others. How do I tell my children that mommy is lonely and wants to find someone special? I feel so guilty about all of this. Any ideas?

I’m sorry to hear about your impending divorce. Thirteen years with someone is no short journey. I hope you both work hard and try to keep things on good terms for the children. I hope you both come out better for this on the other side. Even though you are no longer married, if civility is possible, you must remain a “family unit” for the kids.

I realize the above had nothing to do with your question, but focusing on the kid’s well-being through this transition is vital. Your dating and sex life, not so much.

Short answer: There are no rules for how long to wait.

More important answer: You do not tell a three or seven-year-old any of those thoughts and feelings.

I’m all for discussing life in an honest way with kids, but don’t put your shit on your children. Your adult life is not a toddler or seven-year-olds business. It certainly isn’t their job to make you feel good and supported while finding romantic partners to replace their dad.

In my opinion, you can start dating when you feel ready emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Consider: If you fell in love, would you have reservations about committing so soon after divorce?

This timing is different for everyone. Maybe your marriage has been over for a long time before the actual divorce, so you’ve grieved and healed already. Maybe things happened quickly and you’re an emotional wreck, but you crave being physically close to someone.

Please, consider others feelings, here. You don’t want to find someone great and have them fall in love with only to ruin it because emotionally, you are still drained from divorce.

Take your time. Breathe. When you feel healthy and balanced… you’ll be ready.

Who cares what anyone else thinks? Live your life knowing you made the best decision for you and those you love. Judgments from afar are almost always wrong.

Dating with children is hard and should be performed with caution.

I am not a family therapist. My opinions are based on personal and professional experiences. You can/should always call your children’s pediatrician and get their advice.

So…

Common sense dictates your children be left out of any dating matters. You are allowed adult time, which is private time. It is none of their business.

If things get serious:

When you do find a special person and the dating turns into a relationship, it may be time to let your kids know about your “new friend.” If the person is around for a while, the kids will slowly learn that he is a special friend. Slow is the key.

Do not welcome a boyfriend into your kid’s life unless it is a serious relationship. You must never show your kids a revolving door of men… if that is your style, of course.

The dating scene has changed over the past 13 years, so try and have fun. When you’re ready to get out there, put your best foot forward.

Good luck!

The Remarried Man’s Famous Last Words Were, “I’ll never get married again!” 

Reader’s Question:

I’m 57 years old and have been divorced twice, both times were hell. I’ve met a new woman that I really like and things have been moving along nicely. We have been dating for about a year and I can tell she is ready for things to move forward. However, I do not want to get married, ever again. I am happy to move in together and have this be a long-term, committed relationship. Everything would be the same as marriage, just without vows and legalities. I feel like once you marry a woman she quits trying and I don’t want to go through that again. Any suggestions on how to broach this sensitive issue?

The remarried man’s famous last words were, “I’ll never get married again!”

I totally get it. I’m sympathetic to both sides in this situation. You’re not wrong and neither is she.

This is the second most common issue I encounter as a matchmaker. You’ve been hurt, cheated, and broken. She took a ton of the money she never spent a moment earning or supporting. You thought you knew her. You thought she was different. I have heard it all before. You are not alone.

First, it is unfair to compare or judge your new gal based on previous experiences. We all do this, but it’s best to leave the past in the past, so that it doesn’t control your future. If you’re worried this gal will become the same bad memory as your ex’s, ponder if you’re picking up on similar traits, or simply letting fear rule your perspective.

I have always loved the tradition of marriage, but as I get older, it’s clear to me that good relationships come in all forms. You don’t need a piece of paper to be in love. You don’t need a piece of paper to have a life partner. You can even call each other husband and wife, as there’s no law against this.

Try and share with your partner that you’re in this all the way. Explain that there isn’t another person on this planet that you would rather be with and you hope this lasts forever… you just aren’t interested in signing a contract that says so.

Or…

Over the past decade people have begun to utilize legally binding contracts termed, “relationship agreements.” 

While The Big Bang Theory popularized the term in its own particular way, real people use these agreements as a form of commitment that doesn’t reach the level of marriage.

Consider drafting your own relationship agreement and presenting it to her as a sign of your commitment level. While you feel not getting married is a security to you, she is experiencing the exact opposite. A relationship agreement could be the compromise you need.

Now, the “big-ass elephant” I have yet to address.

Your question mentions both wife one and two gave up after marriage. You don’t mention in what ways, and there can be many. The obvious thought of every woman reading this is, “What about men after marriage? Men give up, too!”

Effort levels dipping in various areas of the relationship happens with virtually every couple, on both sides. I preach honesty and effort constantly as a foundation for successful relationships.

Sometimes you push, sometimes you pull. There is a literal give and take a happy couple must comply with.

I know this is hard, but you know this must be worked out to move forward together in life. Have this chat soon. Honestly, I find it a bit odd this took a year to become an issue. Do both of you a favor and let her know where you stand. She can decide if this is a path she is willing to try.

Good luck.

You’re not an “Arrangement Whore,” You’re just Lucky

 Reader’s Question:

 I’ve been dating my guy for a little under a month and things are going well. I’m 34, he is 57, and we live about four hours from each other. We see each other a lot when he is in town and sometimes I visit him. He recently asked me to quit my job so I could be more available to him. He said that he is comfortable supporting me financially each month to give me the freedom to travel more. We haven’t been together very long, so I feel uncomfortable with how this makes me look. What are your thoughts?

You were careful not to use the word, “Arrangement,” but that is exactly what you’re self-conscious about. Every relationship is different and there is no real set of rules. We decide what are acceptable relationship parameters based on past experiences and societal pressures.

When referring to relationships, the term “arrangement” has been soiled over the past decade by adulterers and “gold-diggers.” In truth, every relationship is based on some level of arrangement. Some arrangements (I.e. relationships) are balanced, some more onerous.

As a matchmaker, I see all kinds of different arrangements in relationships. I judge relationships based on one question: Are both people receiving what they want in the relationship?

If the answer is yes, two consenting adults are happy with what they get… with their arrangement… then “to each their own.” Putting people into the relationship they want is the essence of my job.

Attractive ladies that date wealthy men are judged more negatively by the public than a person who claims to be a cat. Makes “purrrfect” sense.

Many adults prefer an arranged relationship. I don’t mean monthly allowance for sex and the occasional arm-candy for galas. I do mean clear boundaries are discussed and what’s expected of each other is made clear.

People judge because they are jealous and bitter.

Websites like SeekingArrangements, WhatsYourPrice, Sugadaddy, and AshleyMadison are all arrangement-based services. The arrangement being sex for money, gifts, trips, et cetera. The ladies that participate in these types of relationships are “working girls.” I still do not judge them because both parties are receiving exactly what they want, but you are not one of them!

Life is hard. Money equals freedom.

In his mind, it makes no sense for you not to quit your job and see him around his schedule. He can afford it and has worked hard to be able to offer such a lifestyle to his gal. Yes, the relationship is new, but he can afford your freedom… BE FREE! He will still be at work! Him arranging for you to quit your job is the natural progression of a relationship with a busy person making lots of money.

The Real Issue

You’re worried about people judging your relationship based on age difference and financial support. You are socially aware those factors are reminiscent of the “gold-diggers” playbook, but do not fret. You aren’t an “arrangement whore,” you’re just lucky.

You’re lucky to be with a guy that can afford freedoms most cannot. You’re lucky to have gotten in to this relationship for the right reasons and have economic abundance as an add-on. You’re lucky to be semi-retired at 34 years old. Most of all, you’re lucky to experience such a care-free relationship.

Shit, I’m jealous. Who wouldn’t be?

Note: I do not actually believe in luck. I use the word here to deliver a point.

Be Careful. Be Prepared.

Your situation is not unique in the world of dating successful men. I have had many of the relationships I match turn out this exact way. So, here is my warning:

Your “luck” can run out quick. Have a plan for a potential break-up.

Being judged by others aside, there is one real drawback to allowing him to support you. If you break-up, you become unemployed, not semi-retired, and quickly broke. So, before you agree to quitting your job, discuss how/if he would help you get back on your feet if things change. This isn’t scummy, this is very necessary. Trust me, I have seen the aftermath of having a plan and not. Be on the side of preparation.

Relationship agreements (i.e. actual contracts) are becoming more and more prevalent due to this exact circumstance.

Otherwise, enjoy!

This is a wonderful opportunity for you both to get to know each other on a deeper level. Plus, he is showing a real commitment on his part. Believe that he wouldn’t give his hard-earned money to any pretty face… he wants you.

I say go for it. Try not to care what everyone else thinks. Only you and your partner know what’s best for your relationship.

 Have fun!

Prenups are sooo unfair…

 

Reader’s Question:

My fiancée and I have been dating for a few years and we are now engaged. When we first started dating, he gave me a heads-up. If we ever decided to get married, I would be required to sign a prenup agreement. I laughed it off at the time, but now it’s not so funny. He says that he can live his life more openly and securely if he knows he has this plan. I feel like it’s his plan for when he is done with me. I’m not marrying him for money, but I want us to take care of each other in various ways, including sharing resources. Do people use a prenup anymore? How do they go into a marriage knowing they are planning for a divorce? How do they get over the initial hurt and insult of a marriage contract?

Congratulations on getting engaged! Yes, of course, people still protect their life earnings before marrying someone that wasn’t there for the struggle.

45.2% of American adults are single, so finding someone you can spend the rest of your life with is an accomplishment!

I’ll admit, I’m pro- prenup. You should be too. There will certainly be protections for your financial well-being as well.

The fact is over 45.9% of marriages today end in divorce. Both parties should decide on protection while they still like one another, and that is the purpose of the prenup. Divorce often causes the most monstrous traits of a person to take over. While they may come to regret their behavior, a prenup will ensure no permanent damage is done.

A prenup doesn’t mean that you don’t share resources, so try and move on from that thought. It makes you sound quite “gold-diggy.”

You aren’t going to want to hear the truth, but the money he made before you, isn’t your money. Nor should you be entitled to it just because you get married. That’s his money. He earned it. You should respect what he has accomplished and not expect him to be okay with you clearly wanting the chance to take it.

If you were marrying a man that had no real wealth, this wouldn’t be an issue.

When you are married, his money is your money and as you stated, resources will be shared.

Not that you would admit this, but if you had the big bank account and not him, would you still hate prenups? Would you even be interested in him if you had more money?

I’m not saying sign whatever he puts in front of you!

Get a lawyer and do your best to secure what you think is fair via the prenup. Then, go plan an amazing wedding and enjoy those hard to find resources. Focus on having a happy and healthy marriage, then none of this matters.

I hope you try and be reasonable about this. If you are having a hard time finding a reason, re-read this blog.

Good luck!

 

 

Self-Love: Take Better Care of Us!

I am dangerously close to being 40 years old, so I started washing my face!

The past couple of years have been trying ones. As I turn 38, I’m starting to realize I need to make some “late in the game” changes.

It’s funny… I’m a confident gal both inside and out. I have a great family and I obviously love my job. “First world” complaints are really all I have. However, as 38 years old gets closer, I am freaking out.

Life might be good, but damn it’s hard to get old.

Somewhere over the years, I forgot to love and care for myself. I didn’t really forget, more like didn’t make it a priority. I gave minimal effort to what I looked like and how well I took care of myself: emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I wouldn’t call this “letting myself go,” but it was close.

Now more than ever, I regret letting those bad habits continue for so long. I could blame school, work, kids, my husband, and so on. But, placing blame and making excuse helps no one.

I did this to myself and only I can fix it. Ugh…

So… Where do I start? How do I regain control?

As a relationship expert, I work with people on every aspect of their life. From love and sex to business and parenthood. I confidently lead others to find their best possible self, but how do I take my own advice?

First things first, I washed my face. This may seem weird to you, but I’ve really never bothered with it before.

So now I wash my face, daily. It’s a small thing. I’m sure you’re laughing at me, but this has taken some serious effort on my part. I actually had to set an alarm for the first two weeks as a reminder.

So, one baby step towards self-improvement. Check!

Next, I started back to the gym. I freaking hate the gym. I have exercised a bit here and there because my husband kept on talking about being healthy and some other stuff. I don’t really know. I didn’t pay much attention.

This is no longer a baby step. I have been working out five days a week for over a month now. I have also given up sugar, my only true love… sorry kids.

I’m now making actual lifestyle changes because I need to love me more. I need to be stronger and healthier and happier for me. There is no excuse not to be my best possible self. It’s all about effort. There is enough time if you make it happen.

This is my new way of life. It keeps me balanced and centered. Going to the gym in the morning helps me to start my day feeling like I’ve accomplished something for me.

For those that are unaware, I am not a moderate person. It’s all or nothing for me, no matter what. So, beyond the changes already mentioned, I focused in on smaller bad habits as well, like biting my nails.

Over the next few months, I plan to continue my journey to a happier and healthier me. I’ll learn to love me again.

If you don’t love yourself, how can you love someone else?

Self-love is very important. When you have a strong sense of who you are and your own value, you’re able to have healthier and happier relationships in your life.

Loving yourself and having self-worth is an endless process which takes effort just like any relationship. Loving yourself is a choice you make every single day. Loving yourself must be a way of life. I am working towards taking care of myself as a new habit. Loving me for me, all day, every day, because I should and I can.

What’s the point?

If you have “let yourself go,” or simply stopped making sure your needs are taken care of… for whatever reasons, make changes now!

Good luck and stay mentally tough.

Online Affairs

Reader’s Question:

 My husband and I have been married for seven years. We have two children and both work full-time. We are in our early 40’s. He has been “seeing” someone online. I caught him masturbating with her through an online site and he admitted it has been an ongoing thing but says it has no real meaning. He said they talk daily, text, and have some video sessions. Is this an affair? I am embarrassed to talk about this with anyone and don’t know what to do.

To be with someone and truly not know them at all…

Where is the man you fell in love with? There are a bunch of possible reasons why things changed. Sometimes we don’t figure it out until it’s too late.

Yes, your husbands’ online affair is cheating.

The sad truth:

Over ten percent of all affairs started online in 2017. Forty percent of those turned into offline, hands-on affairs. An online affair involves the same basic aspects as a physical affair.

Differing views on what constitutes cheating do exist. Here are some examples to help outline my personal view on what makes a cheater: 

  • Engaging in sexual talk.
  • Spending time with a person in secret.
  • Touching intimately. E.g. sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, et cetera.
  • Giving intimate gifts, money, or paying their bills
  • Online affairs. 57% of people have used the Internet to flirt. 38% of people have engaged in explicit, online, sexual conversation. 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.
  • Any form of sexual contact, including kissing.
  • Becoming emotionally involved with someone else (emotional infidelity).

I’m sorry this happened to you. You must not let this experience cause you to develop trust or anger issues. Don’t let this relationship ruin future ones. People who cheat are not worth the issues we give ourselves over it.

Trust me, I know.

A survey on cheating was conducted in 2017 by a company called Trustify. The results are worse than you want to hear, but exactly what you need to know. Trustify found that people who have cheated before are 350% more likely to cheat again, compared to those that haven’t cheated before.

Hence, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

 I’m guessing you have a pyramid of different questions building up in your mind.

Questions like:

  • Is he unhappy?
  • Does he have feelings for her?
  • Have they ever met and been actually physical?
  • Does he want to work this out?
  • Will he stop seeing her now that I know?
  • Who else knows about this?

If you want to get past this and keep your marriage, you should start by asking him any and all questions you think you need to know.

After you have his answers, take some time to process what you learned and decide if you want to stay and try, or leave and not.

Recovering the love and trust that was lost will take time. It will require high levels of emotional strength. It may not work out no matter how hard you try.

You can’t be in a marriage that causes anxiety every time he looks at his phone or tablet.

What if catching him is his “out?”

If you decide to talk this over and not just leave, prepare yourself for him to use this situation to unload his truth. He may not want to work it out.

Let’s face it… he cheated on you. This is probably it.

Remember, it’s okay for you to walk away from this all together. Call him a cheating d*&k and leave.

Life is short. Don’t spend time miserable if you can help it.

Click here for another article about infidelity you may find helpful.

I wish you the best of luck.

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